Tag Archives: nonsense

Regular Poem: Sassy Shoulders

17 Apr

it didn’t make sense to me
until it did
one day i looked in the mirror
like weeks later
and i was like
yeah
those girls were right

it’s not like
nobody’s ever seen them before
work cycles through phases
just like my dreams
unlike the moon
because the moon makes sense

but still distinct phases
with discernible beginning and ending points
several weeks i’ll dream about
winning large jackpots
but i’m not excited
just worried
about how much tax will be taken out
and the next several weeks will be
that recurring cabin in the woods
where there’s always a different large dinner party
several weeks
the kids at work all want to pull my hair
the next several weeks
i get my shirt ripped off over and over

so it’s not
as if they’d never seen
my shoulders before

but sometimes
they are just
strikingly
more sassy
i guess

it’s nonsense
but
i’ll take it

Regular Poem: Just How Many Garages Does a Girl Need?

4 Feb

well you see
the one is attached to the house
and it’s a two-car number
packed with ancient mechanical devices
and tools and dead appliances
weird old-timey chemicals
a bag of birdfeed from that time i had a cockatiel for a few months
home to a heavy bag
and a crummy radio leftover from a former roommate
a vindictive former housecat

and the other
is detached
also two-car
but much larger
to accommodate an RV
that it no longer accommodates
but don’t worry
there’s plenty in there
still
extra tables and chairs
file cabinets and abandoned projects
three badminton sets two bicycles two hammocks
shelves and shelves and boxes and boxes
a metal detector
a cabinet record player that doesn’t play records but collects dust and plays am radio just fine
oh and also two cars

and of course a shed
a yard isn’t
a yard
without a shed
with at least three defunct mowers
and some antique cedar mulch

my concern is
how many cats
and other creatures
have taken up residence
in the detached garage
since my ex-cat escaped
the attached garage
and darted around my property for a few days
and showed her face in the detached garage long enough
for me to take pity on her
and move her food and water dishes out there
only for her to
zip in the back door of my house
as if she owned the place
and demand food at her spot
on top of the dryer
which is close enough to
the attached garage
for me to have thrown her back in
the attached garage
knowing she probably wouldn’t escape again
because she was probably already pregnant
enough to satisfy her?

i ought to move that cat food
i ought to
do a lot of things

raze it
salt the earth
change my name
skip town

“why yes
miss doe
this houseboat comes fully furnished
with third-hand furniture in dark neutral colors
the record player doesn’t play records
but it picks up am radio swell
and a houseboat isn’t
a houseboat
without wood paneling”

i unclench my fists and look
at my real estate agent
in my new town
and the words slip out

“but what about the garage situation”

she checks her clipboard

“could i interest you
in a storage unit”

i should’ve
practiced but i didn’t
so i say
on instict

“like a fresh one
with nobody else’s stuff
in it already”

she sees
my accidental sneer of
disbelief

“that’s the idea
miss doe”

deal breaker
or
deal maker
i can’t discern

Regular Poem: Cities Do Have Ordinances

10 Apr

and the sign that is posted
lists a county ordinance
but counties don’t have ordinances
and even if counties did have ordinances
the ordinance that this isn’t
very specifically refers to prohibited
activities in the big ditch
but this isn’t the big ditch
it’s a different non-navigable waterway altogether
and the city ordinance listed is the same as the one on the big ditch
but cities do have ordinances
and this particular ordinance is a general no trespassing
and so doesn’t exclude places
that aren’t the big ditch
or that do not have ordinances
because counties do not have ordinances
although the signs claim they do
but the signs–the lady at the courthouse said–
were put up by the city
and the city obviously thought
counties had ordinances
which they don’t they have resolutions
because ordinances are what cities have
and they are adopted all at once instead of passed one at a time
like resoutions
which are what counties have
but the city just thought it was all the same
but it’s all very different
to the point of being nonsesical
especially when the resolution
itself
references code violations
but counties don’t have codes
because that’s another name for ordinance
and counties do not have ordinances

Regular Poem: An Unconscious Mind’s Wealth of Knowledge

10 Apr

why is everyone i kiss in a dream such a bad kisser there must be something
to be said about my psyche sometimes i don’t realize it until
i wake up and sometimes i know then and there
that what their mouth is doing is wrong what does kissing
in dreams even mean is there a meaning
i just looked it up and there are a bunch of different interpretations because its all pseudoscience of course but the first one i got was that i need to be more open with my feelings that is super general everyone could use a little more openness with their feelings if we’re being honest with ourselves
but that still doesn’t answer my original question which is why i’m always kissing bad kissers
maybe im actually the bad kisser and my subconscious is trying to tell me
in the most roundabout way possible but you know
the only way to get better at something is to practice so there’s that

Dear Googlers 5: Other Letters to Other People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

29 Mar

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “a poem for a drunken jerk” and “forgotten fake poet”:

Welcome!  I am an unknown fake poet, so if I’m remembered at all, I will be soon forgotten.  Also, I am often a jerk and sometimes a drunk, so many of my poems–which you can find here–might appeal to your drunken, jerky proclivities.

Poetically,
Alexandra

***

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “janeway flirts with seven”:

True.  But to her credit, Janeway flirts with everyone.

You better have something bigger in your torpedo tubes,
Alexandra

Continue reading

Clown Redux: The Christmas Miracle

25 Dec

I woke up pissed, sore, and groggy.  There was no good reason for this.

Of course, 2014 has been a generally pissy year for me: my dad was hospitalized twice with various mysterious alcohol-induced illnesses (one of those times he was bleeding profusely all over his house before the ambulance came, and so a week later I was the one cleaning all of that up); my estranged mother has cancer; my dog died; my grandma died; my job continues to be dissatisfying, injurious to both my physical and emotional health, and low-paying.

I wasn’t thinking about all of this consciously when I woke up pissed off this morning.  But after grumbling internally about a lot of suddenly prickly past grievances and new annoyances–a grumbling that lasted all through my shower and putting on make up and running around forgetting things as I left the house–I stopped myself.  I took a deep breath, and I prayed the same thing I always pray:  that I would be forgiving and loving and generally be God’s woman today.

And yeah my life is crummy by certain measurements, but it’s also very blessed. I have life. I have a steady–albeit rather crummy–paycheck.  I have Eternity.  I have friends and family who love me.

And I have clown.

creepy puppet

Not only that, but I also have New Clown, The Christmas Miracle.

new clown

Let me begin at the beginning.

In the year and a half since I wrote about the original Clown, what started as a purely electronic, one-sided trolling has become something more:  I printed a hard copy, and Tish and I have been exchanging it on and off in disparate locations and circumstances.  She’s put it in my sheets, in the dryer, in the shower, in the medicine cabinet.  I’ve slipped it into her lunchbox, in her wedding present, in a Thanksgiving card.  All our friends know about it and reference it.  Her husband speculates with her about where to put it next, and my new roommate tries to get in on it misguidedly.

Me: What is this picture you just sent me? Roommate:  Is this not how you do Clown?

Me: What is this picture you just sent me?
Roommate: Is this not how you do Clown? Like you just send a picture of a clown, right?

Meanwhile, another roommate and I had had a standing date at CiCi’s pizza every Saturday night for several months, not only because we loved gorging ourselves on bad pizza but also because we loved gorging ourselves on bad karaoke sung by off-tune pre-teens, which one could also find at a particular CiCi’s Pizza in town (alas that roommate moved out, and that CiCi’s has gone the way of the dodo).

It was a strange and close-knit community we observed there.  Our favorite act was a twelve-ish-year-old boy who would always sing “Glad You Came.”  The kicker was that he was a ventriloquist with a professional dummy.  He was neither a good singer nor a good ventriloquist, but we enjoyed his enthusiasm and confidence regardless.

Now imagine my surprise as my family is opening gifts this morning to find that my one brother has bought my other brother a homemade ventriloquist dummy.

Given my track record, I already find this hilarious, of course.

But then out comes the real, actual best part.  My brother special-ordered this dummy (to look vaguely like my other brother) from his teenage neighbor, who not only makes homemade dummies but also owns several professional dummies and goes to ventriloquist camp.

And that teenage neighbor is none other than THE BOY FROM CICI’S PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We live in the smallest, strangest world.

new clown and andy

New Clown scares my brother, but he doesn’t scare me!

 

And in conclusion, I’m glad you came, New Clown.  And, of course, Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Regular Poem: And Wednesday I Feel Better Just for Spite

19 Apr

A month of Sundays?
Wouldn’t a month of Thursdays
be just as long?

A month of Saturdays
might be longer
or shorter
depending on how boring your
Saturdays tend to be.

Imagine a month of Mondays.
That’s the plot of Groundhog Day, basically.
Or hell.

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