Found Poem: WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU…

I get these fliers like once a month from one of those shady “we buy houses” places, and I’m honestly getting tempted to call them. So I did a little blackout poetry to try to dissuade myself from what is probably a bad idea.

Transcription

ATTENTION ALEXANDRA:
I want
I have been trying
Unfortunately,
I am not sure of the condition inside
needs some work.
ask them
be willing

You can choose
you want fast
I don’t care.
Please take a moment
Please try
I hope that
we can work something out…I am
you

Regular Poem: Green Flavor

you gotta be careful with green flavors

all reds kinda taste the same as other reds unless it’s a cinnammon or a tomato-base and those anomalies are usually well-marked and therefore easy to indulge in or avoid per your preference
blues are hit and miss as to whether they’re fruit or herb or weird lab concoction but generally universally palatable somehow
orange flavors typically have very little margin for deviation
pinks are rare and specific luxuries and if not delicious at least obvious
and you gotta be an extra brave woman to fuck with the chemical hellcapes that are purple or yellow at all

but greens
are so ubiquitous they should be safe and yet
there’s so much variation too much for any assurance

and besides

they’re always trying to trick you with them
could be lime or sour apple or watermelon or mint and you don’t know which
until it’s already too late
and you can’t rely on purchase history
because they’re always changing them
it’s part of the trick

i’ve got a theory that
brands that make green flavors
are mostly in the business of trickery
it’s as sadistic as it is smart
you buy a green flavor you like
you go to buy it again but it’s gross this time
you think it’s your own fault you weren’t vigilant
so you go back looking for the first thing
you don’t find it
you buy a different green flavor entirely
hoping you’ll like it as well as the first green thing
maybe you do maybe you don’t
but either way you’re stuck in a cycle of buying and discarding and rebuying green flavors
infinite profit for the brand producing increasingly bizarre and inscrutable green flavors

i used to really dig a green gatorade that was
tropical cooler
or some other gatorade nonsense
but it got discontinued
and in its place
there’s now a different green flavor
that’s some kind of cucumber infusion
joke’s on them though
because i always read the fine print on gatorade
there are too many flavors that look the same to not pay attention
i’ve been burned too many times before

i’ve been burned too many times before
with mouthwash too
but i’ve got a friend who gives the best advice on these sorts of matters
and she says
when you’re in the mouthwash aisle
you always go for the biggest and cheapest listerine
because the smaller and more expensive ones
try to slip in a bunch of fancy stuff that tastes bad
and non-listerine
even the off-brand that looks just like it
just doesn’t feel sharp enough
doesn’t hit right

so last time i was buying mouthwash
the biggest and cheapest listerine
was not the blue flavor i’m used to
it was
of course
a green flavor
and i was at a crossroads

do i take my friend’s sage advice which has never steered me wrong
or do i chance it with a smaller blue flavor that i can’t be certain is the regular blue flavor i always get because all the labels are so similar

a classic green-flavor conundrum

well
i made my choice to trust my friend and
i bought the big cheap green flavor
and it is so pleasant and clean
like my second-favorite childhood gum
the gum my mom would buy me to appease bored child me on long trips to multiple craft stores because she hated the smell of my first-favorite gum

it’s better than regular blue flavor
hits not only right
but exacty right

but will i buy it again when i run out
there’s no guarantee it will be the same green flavor next time
schrodinger’s green flavor
it is spearmint when you buy it the first time
and i don’t know
salsa verde the second time

maybe after we’ve all been seduced by perfect spearmint and subsequently conned into buying salsa verde
and we’ve sobered up and wisened up and slunk back to blue flavor like a repentant cheating spouse
and a green flavor is piling up on the shelves with no one to buy it

it’s tropical cooler

Regular Poem: State Slogans

you’ve got your
big sky country
and your
last frontier
and your
lone star state
mile high state
garden state
natural state
and your
hoosiers
sooners
cornhuskers
ok so far so good

but let me lay this one on you
what state would you associate with
as big as you think

came across this one on an online quiz
got immediately offended
and looked it up
it’s as much real as it is nonsense

as you might’ve guessed
it’s kansas
unfortunately

what’s it supposed to mean
who actively thinks about how big kansas is
it’s only the thirteenth largest state by area
a respectable showing but nothing to write a tourism slogan about

and most importantly
is it supposed to be as dirty as it sounds
i keep just saying it over and over to myself
in a lauren bacall voice
surely that’s the only way to say it

we don’t have a great track record in this area
the one before this was
the land of ahs

i get the wordplay
but come on
that is also dirty
could’ve and honestly should’ve gone with the awe spelling

who’s in charge of this stuff
and do they run it by anyone
with half a brain
before they print it on billboards

i’m embarrassed
but i’m even more embarrassed
that i kind of dig it

Regular Poem: I Met Her Accidentally in St. Paul, Minnesota

what’s so great about tallahassee
every tv show has an episode named after it
as far as neat state capital names go
it’s good
probably top five honestly
but still
doesn’t really compare to a lot of really great non-state capitals
it might be one of those things where it’s become just a
thing that everybody does
some running joke
like taking a left turn at albuquerque
but albuquerque is a better name
it’s understandable

no city name is at its peak comedy for me without the state with it though
so therefore
anything in oklahoma gets a leg up in my book
i also love a dakota
it’s about the k in the middle
which is the same appeal as albuquerque
i think alaska’s k comes too late
but if you put it with another k
fairbanks alaska
nah i was wrong
that’s stately rather than good running-joke material
contrast that with say
ponca city oklahoma
sioux falls south dakota
pine bluff arkansas
boxborough masachusetts

my exception to the
with-the-state
rule
is if it’s an unincorporated area
because then you’re obligated to say unincoporated
and that’s funny in itself
so anything you put in front of it is just icing
of course some are better than others
smileyberg unincorporated
is the gold standard
obviously

parrishes and townships serve a similar function
but only on a case by case basis
they can be classed up too much by what precedes them
to get the carte blanche
that unincorporated does

Regular Poem: Types of Songs that Ought to Make a Comeback

songs with spelling in them
a thematic reason for the spelling is great but
totally irrelevant spelling is more of a treat
(deliberate ironic mispelling optional)

story songs
but not the kind where the chorus takes on a different meaning with each verse
(tedious
eye-roll inducing)
and while we’re at it
they can’t be overly schmaltzy
(what i’m saying is
ambiguous murder and/or suicide preferred
also accepting car sex
gunslinger ballads
and
tales of swamp witches)

confronting your husband’s mistress
either passive aggressively
with a lot of pathos persuasion appeals
or active aggressively
with threats of violence told through nonsensical rhymes

comedy songs that aren’t just parodies of other songs
you know the kind
with a lot of speak-singing and deceptively athletic and adroit guitar riffs
a bop that doesn’t even know it’s a bop
because it’s so focused on being funny that it doesn’t know
everyone listening to it is singing along with the overly qualified backup singers

songs with that drum beat i like
it’s a kick bass on One And-Three and high hat on Four
One
And-Three
Four
like a heartbeat
(should i see a doctor about my heartbeat?)
(come to think of it it might not be a bass and high hat
could be snare and ride cymbal? i think they do it different sometimes
and also i’m better at identifying woodwinds
but i’m sure about the rhythm
which is the part i like most about it)

new Good Christmas songs
i swear how hard is it to write a catchy heartwarming and/or breezily nostalgic song about
home and fireplaces and love and buying stuff
and then add in some sleigh bells?

songs with a spoken section
i don’t mean a rap feature
i like rap actually and much prefer a rap song with a sung hook to a sung song with a shoehorned rap feature
but either way that’s not what i’m talking about
i’m talking about some ridiculously sentimental number that proves itself in ultimate sentimentality (not schmaltzy just this side of schmaltzy)
by having the singer speak part of a verse in a strained whisper
melodromatic pain in their voice
and then a growling transition to singing proper again

songs in 6/8
self-explanatory

radio jingles for local businesses
no catchier things exist
or used to exist
that ought to
still exist

Regular Poem: Gamble

lay your money down
heap it in the pot
feel the excitement as you win

but realize
that too many people have placed the same bet
the odds were in your favor
so your share is small

yes
you’ve bet
that i
wouldn’t learn from my mistakes
that i
would make impulsive decisions
that i
would be writing the same bullshit about the same four people for the thousandth time

that’s not a safe bet, babe
that’s a fixed fight

that’s the black sox scandal of 1919, babe

i use the gambling metaphor because
i use the gambling metaphor in my colloquial speech that everyone around me picks up on and subsequently uses

i’m turning us all into humphrey bogart
one hard-boiled cliche at a time
but not like regular philip marlowe humphrey bogart
but surreal dark passage humphrey bogart where
half the time you don’t even have your own face
just bandages and chiaroscuro
and spite

of course

you’d have bet on chiaroscuro and spite
you’d have bet on a lot of things

i always deliver on a lot of things
and never deliver on others

one thing i did actually learn
is that an always-never argument
is automatically invalid

there are sometimes
indubitably

what are my favorite adverbs
who are my favorite people

they say not to write using adverbs
they say it’s lazy
telling rather than showing

but
what is a person
divorced from
how
she’s completing an action

adverbs answer a lot of questions

i ask
i answer myself
i use old-timey stock phrases

there are a lot of things worthy of hate
but adverbs tend to be
a grammatical whipping boy

catch me behind the woodshed
i’m always ready for a punishment
physical preferred because i know i can take that

put your money on me
i’m the horse with the worst name at the kentucky derby
but the worst names usually win
and you can wear whatever hat you want as you drink mint juleps

max bet
accidentally six bucks a spin
when really you had meant
repeat bet

but every bet
is still a bet
there’s the chance to lose
and the house always wins regardless

Regular Poem: Double Portion, Please

i had a prophetic dream the other night
i hadn’t had one of those in ages
and so wasn’t prepared for the effects

i started awake at 4am
sweating and aching
hands and feet swollen
stumbled to the bathroom
reached for my toothbrush
but then realized it wasn’t yet time
to be performing tasks

i fell back into bed
and back into dreams

of swamps and trudging through them
cautiously thoughtfully but confidently

when my alarm went off
and i reached for my toothbrush at the appropriate time

i still felt
the heat and wet of the swamp
the teeth of the alligator

my prophetic dreams contain
just small truths
but if i were to be perfectly obedient
listen and do
even twenty five percent more

what could my dreams tell me then

it’s a scary
powerful
thought
i’m here at the edges of the sublime

elisha commanded an unseen host
and it frightens me to think
that could be me

at least i’m not an old testament prophet
i’ve comforted myself by saying it so many times
but what if i’m meant to be
but i’m indulging myself in being a piece of shit too much
to realize my full potential
and i’m just getting vague hints through bizarre dreams and weird interactions

of course it could be coincidence
but i don’t believe in coincidence
i’m a calvinist after all alas

i can’t just sit around and wait
for a mantle to fall upon my shoulders
dropping from a chariot of fire
so obvious too obvious
for my modern sensibilities

but surely everyone
has a prophetic dream every now and then
surely i can just live and be

if i really believed that though
i wouldn’t be paying so much attention to my dreams
would i
if i really believed that
i wouldn’t be begging for more

Regular Poem: Thursday

thursdays
remain
the worst

except for certain mondays
and an odd tuesday
and the fridays where you’re burnt out and smoldering

actually truthfully
thursdays are the worst
is more a truism a mantra an idiom
than a statement that retains any real meaning

because it’s all the worst
currently
and has been
and will be being

i shouldn’t be allowed
to set the mood anywhere
and yet people almost always let me

kind gentle al exists
but i don’t naturally access her
i ought to try harder
instead of letting myself
be myself
who’s such a thursday of a person

Regular Poem: Not Sure About Former DAs Who Are Now Ambulance Chasers, Either, TBH

Part I

Part II

don’t get the wrong idea here
on the two points you’re probably worried about

1. i do know how a lot of professions work
2. i do have friends who are not imaginary

but that said

every time i’m talking to someone
who’s asking me a lot of intrusive questions
that i’m uncomfortable answering
and i can feel myself getting

riled up
worked up
torqued up

(i gravitate to the slangy partitives
[verb-preposition combos that work together as a verb–evidenced by their unit’s synonimity with a single word]
from an indiscernible old-timey western and or/southern dialect
they seem to fit the best for the kind of
upset
[see what i mean about synonimity]
i get
just a lathered frenzy
where i want to julia sugarbaker rant
and point out every personal professional moral intellectual and financial flaw i’ve ever noticed
about the person i’m angry with)

i imagine
the former da who’s now an ambulance chaser
standing next to me
in a kind of ugly statement necklace
sloshing a little scotch onto my shoulder as she half-drunkenly advises me
“you don’t have to answer that
nor should you”

thanks counselor
i know
that’s why i made up a version of you to say it to me
a version that’s like a lady version
of my erstwhile dad
and ain’t that a kick in the head

i ought to invest in a regular ghost
and be done with it

Regular Poem: I May or May Not Have Any Idea What Realtors Actually Do, Part II

Part I

Part III

as it turns out
i was right
partially anyway

or maybe i willed it into existence

probably not
that’s never worked for me ever before
so
it was probably all just fortuitous
just some personalities luckily flung together
just how you have to be when you’re in that business

like you don’t have to be a priest and therapist as a chiropractor
although a lot of them i know are
you could get by and prosper
just adjusting
asking no personal questions
giving no hugs
saying no prayers
but God sent me to mine because she does those things
and i need those things

but a realtor has to know your sins and your troubles
so she can absolve them and ameliorate them
to sell your stupid house for a reasonable price
has to be kind and personable
to gain you as a client
has to be caring and honest
to buy you a house you’ll like

so i feel vindicated

i did confess
and i did ask about houseboats

i didn’t cry in her arms
i’m sure that comes later