Tag Archives: Xena

Dear Googlers 4: Additional Letters to Additional People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

18 Feb

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “china town situation”:

I’m wondering if you’re using this term the same way I am.

My daughter AND my sister,
Alexandra

***

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “why does anyone care about the difference between similes and metaphors”:

They don’t. 😦

And that’s why I got fired,
Alexandra

***

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OUaT 2.6 Recap: When They Forgot More Than We’ll Ever Know about Emma Swan

18 Jan

Episode 6:  Tallahassee

Previously on Xena Damages:  That hipster from 2.1!

Present-Day Fairy Tale Land:  The OUaT Spice Girls and Hook are at the beanstalk, and Hook gives us some exposition:  Evil giants grew magic beans to plunder stuff and subsequently destroyed all the beans.  Hook again promises loyalty “to whomever gets me there first.”  Don’t you mean whoever?

He’s also got a spell thing to get up the stalk (which you can’t climb without a spell of some kind for some reason).  He has two of them because he ain’t goin’ up there alone.

Pictured L-R: The Nastiest Dude Ever; Someone Who Is Supposedly 17

Portland, 11 years ago:  Hipster Baby Emma approaches the yellow VW she currently owns and breaks into it and steals it.  That other hipster is in the back seat, except 11 years ago he wasn’t a hipster: he was a nasty-looking dude 11 years ago.  He’s totally cool with the fact that she just stole his car.  She runs a stop sign, and he gets her out of the ticket because he had actually also stolen the car.

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Found Poem: Parlor Games with the Famous and Infamous

27 Oct

So some friends and I played this game last night in which you take a piece of paper and write a person’s name, which can be anyone, real, imaginary, dead, or alive; fold the paper just over what you’ve written; pass it to the next person, who writes another name, folds the paper just over what he or she’s written, and passes the paper to the next player; write what these people were doing; fold over and pass; when they were doing the thing; fold and pass; where they were doing it; fold and pass; why they were doing it; pass and read the story. All this is done, of course, without knowing what the previous writers have written.

I present to you now a found poem chronicling the exploits of many disparate individuals. Minor edits in spelling and punctuation added for clarity (except for the moon one.  Those exclamation points made me laugh so hard.).

Parlor Games with the Famous and Infamous

Wynonna Judd and
Al’s mom
played rock, paper, scissors for 48 hours straight
December the 12th,
two miles south of Reno, Nevada,
because it was urgent!

Bacon–Tish’s cat–and
the Blue Fairy
took the midnight train to Georgia
on New Year’s Eve
on The Moon!!!!
Because Obama said, “Yes, we can!”

Xena, Warrior Princess, and
Taylor Swift
ate bananas
at Sunrise
in a Vulcan mind-meld
because they were being chased by 5 ballet dancers.

Condoleezza Rice and
Justin Bieber
stared at each other for 5 minutes uninterrupted
in 1955
on a fishing boat off the coast of Florida
because they needed shelter due to the tornado.

OUaT 2.3 Recap: When Lancelot Shows Up for Approximately 16 Lame Seconds

23 Oct

Episode 3: Lady of the Lake

Do we need to talk about how much I love Snow White’s outfit and sass, or do they speak for themselves?

Fairy Tale Land Flashback:  Red runs to a tent meeting over which Charming presides, the subject of which being taking back the kingdom from his (kinda) dad.  Red announces that King George’s new general is like a leviathan.  All the king’s men arrive, and the good guys all go their separate ways to do stuff, vowing to meet at Mama Charming’s house, and Black Lancelot catches Snow White.  He’s the new general, and Snow White is flabbergasted that a member of the Round Table would stoop to working as a hired gun.

Present day Fairy Tale Land: Snow White’s still unconscious in the pit, and Cora’s taking care of her while she chats with Emma about this corner of the land being a haven.  She laments being trapped here because of what Regina did and claims the “apple fell far from the tree.”  Emma buys it and talks about going back to Henry.

Snow White wakes up and immediately begins protecting Emma from Cora and trying to tell her not to trust her.  Emma balks at this.  She obviously don’t know nothin’ ’bout Fairy Tale Land.  A rope descends, and Emma and Snow White are called to an audience with the leader.

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OUaT 2.2 Recap: When the Evil Queen Decides to Stop Being Evil (Maybe)

11 Oct

Episode 2: We Are Both

The real mystery: Which one of the dwarves drives an El Camino?

We open with the seven dwarves investigating the boundary of Storybrooke.  They send Sneezy out across the line, and he gets caught in a blue beam of magic and subsequently convulses within the blue beam.

In the townsquare(ish) Red is organizing clean-up efforts and other support for the aftermath of the Soul Sucker tornado thing as well as the general fall out of having been under an amnesia curse for 28 years.

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Once Upon a Time Season 1 Recap (All Spoilers, All the Time)

10 Oct

As I’ve noted previously, I often devour TV shows.  My latest has been Once Upon a Time so I can watch season 2 as it comes out.  I thought I might do some recaps of it, just for kicks.

First, let’s talk about how I (and all the girls I watch it with) call this show Xena Damages.

Because this show is all about badass ladies doing badass things in a badass, fantastical world filled with magic, overacting, and oddly poor CGI (à la Xena), but it is also about non-linear storytelling and an HBIC who wears delicious skirt suits, ruthlessly orchestrates people’s destructions, and rips people’s hearts out (à la Damages).

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