I don’t want to savor Battlestar Galactica.
I want to devour it in large, loud, unladylike bites. I want to eat it so fast and sloppily that by the end of the meal I’ve got Cylon juice all over my face and blouse, maybe little Viper pieces scattered in my hair, my fingers sticky with whatever stuff is in the Hybrid’s bathtub.
Maybe not Viper pieces. Maybe Blackbird pieces–you know, the stealth ship they named after the president?
I just want it all. Right now.
WHY?!
Why can’t I just have it?!
Some mild spoilers for Voyager (kind of), SVU (a little), and Damages (a tiny one).
I’m always looking for something new on Netflix. And I always want to start a new show that I’ve heard is amazing, but then I don’t. I end up going back to something formulaic and episodic.
The thing is, sometimes I’m just not ready to commit to something for eternity even though the idea of it consistently makes me put things of this nature in my instant queue–things with rich mythology and evolving characters and moral dilemmas and twisty political plots.
For example, currently I’m stuck mid-season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. I love the characters, and I’m intrigued by the story, and I want to know everything about the mythology, but I’m finding myself impatient. Which is totally weird for me. I love surprises! I can wait for almost anything.
But I love the ideas in the show so much that I went online to research other people’s analysis, and I ended up half-accidentally uncovering a lot of spoilers.
I know, Cylon Xena. That’s how I feel about it, too.
In real life, bitches can grow tiresome, but on TV we can indulge in all our bitch fantasies by living vicariously through terrible people. Below is a listing of my top 5 characters in film and television that I would not get along with in real life because of their profound awfulness but whose profound awfulness is profoundly watchable.
Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) and Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke) in a typical tableau, with Julia reprimanding Suzanne and both of them wearing the absolute ’80s-est things they could find in their respective closets that morning
Re: Detestability: Julia’s a know-it-all progressive attack dog, and Suzanne is a self-absorbed racist.
Re: Lovability: For all Julia’s know-it-all shenanigans, once in a while, she goes on a tirade that’s spot on, and even when it’s not, it’s so eloquent and passionately delivered. Also, she has a lovely soprano singing voice. And fabulous clothes. Suzanne, on the other hand, is the most hilarious woman of the ‘80s. Remember that time she sang “The Name Game” as a good luck chant when she was gambling in Atlantic City? Remember that time she had a pet pig? Remember that time she shot Anthony?
Damages Spoilers through Season 3.
So that I don’t seem too rambling, I’ll divide this post into three sections: Chronology Questions, which addresses questions I had because of ambiguous information in flashforwards, flashbacks, and dreams; Moral Quandaries/Thematic Musings, which addresses deeper issues concerning philosophy and other such things; and Seasons 4-5 Predictions, which addresses what in the world could come next.
Chronology Questions
The whole time the flashforward cops were kind of implying that neither they nor Patty knew about Tom’s money situation; however, he gave a press conference all about it.
What I want to know is what precipitated all these Season 3 Hallucinations. It’s been 10 months since the stabbing and hostage situation. Why didn’t these hallucinations begin like 10 months ago? Or at the end of Season 1 when Patty just about killed her surrogate daughter for the same reasons she killed her real daughter?
Tom and Ellen’s law firm. Was this ever real, or was this a lie Ellen told the police? And if it was a lie she told the police, why did she decide to say that, of all things?
Episode 11: All That Crap about Your Family, cont.
To cut all the Patty-and-Ellen’s-torturous-breakup tension in this episode, someone decided it would be a good idea to have some retarded Frobisher time. They’re having a read-through of Frobisher’s movie with some baby playing Patty Hewes.
If this gal can play Patty Hewes, sign me up for the audition list. Frobisher thinks something’s off, though, but can’t put his finger on what. He does comment that they need a real actress to truly portray Patty’s evilness. Patti LuPone! Patti LuPone!
Joe’s so worried about TM being in custody that he goes to see Zedeck. Flashback to Thanksgiving. Zedeck gives some exposition about why Dad Tobin used TM as the courier—he could trust her, and he was desperate because of the impending investigation. But Joe wants to know how much TM knew. He doesn’t trust that TM will stay loyal. I’m worried for her.
Episode 9: “Drive It through Hardcore”
Previously on: Ellen’s sister’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble! Hey nah! Hey nah! Ellen’s sister’s back!
2 months later: Tom walks into Patty’s office and tenders his resignation. He’s doing that Tom-clenching-his-jaw face that I’m kind of in love with. She gives him an ambiguous look as he walks away.
Does this face say "Baldie, I might need you to kill Tom" or "Best of luck, Tom. I cherish the time we had together, and I will miss you terribly"?
2 months earlier: Martin Short walks into the apartment where apparently he and Crazy Sister are roomies. She’s dejectedly watching Wheel of Fortune (Is there any other way to watch Wheel of Fortune?), and he’s concerned about her being crazy, yet he needs her to be in hiding until Ellen quits sticking her nose in everybody’s business. He suggests she see her shrink, and she says, “You know my brother doesn’t want me to do that.” He says he’ll talk to Joe about it.
Martin Short leaves, and it’s revealed he’s got somebody watching the place (This guy has SO many PIs all the time!). Patty’s got Baldie watching the place, as well (Patty has only one PI at a time).
Episode 6: “Don’t Forget to Thank Mr. Zedeck”
Previously on: Julian Decker–that Patty stalker. Oh no! Is he secretly this Zedeck character?
Not to be confused with Baldie, Patty's replacement Uncle Pete
Bald Financial Analyst Lawyer’s trying to tell Tom and Mrs. Tom what to do, including but not limited to cutting costs (such as having a beach house) and “tell[ing] Patty sooner or later.”
4 months later, the cops discuss Tom’s T.O.D., which is earlier than previously thought. He had time to run Patty down before he died. Bum bum bum!!!!!
Patty and Tom and the judge who appointed Patty the trustee of the Tobin estate meet. He’s all up in their grill about how they haven’t really done anything with the case yet.
Patty Hewes–looking totally badass in the best outfit of the season so far–faces off against Martin Short
Episode 3: “Flight’s at 11:08”
Previously on: Ellen’s sister’s wedding. Hm… I wonder what’s going to be up with the Parsons…
Joe’s dragging DMM’s body inside her house. What’s his plan? What does he think he can make that look like? Oh, he thinks nobody’ll notice for a while because she’s supposed to be out of the country.
This show is such a round-robin writing escapade. I wish I wrote for this show. Remember last season when Ellen and Tom had to go deep into Appalachia for some reason? Was the entirety of season two a red herring? Just a thought. Back to the show…
Season 2’s recap and some predictions about season 3.
Patty’s old flame, William Hurt, sends a package of chemical lab results to Patty’s office. He’s a chemist for a firm who tests chemicals for Big Bad Oil Company Who Hates Miners, the Environment, and Women.
Why is everybody so goo-goo-eyed over William Hurt? Look at that guy. Also listen to that guy. What weird, stodgy acting.
BBOCWHMEW is poisoning the environment, as usual, and William Hurt can’t stand it anymore.
His wife really couldn’t stand it, and she was going to speak up about it, but he killed her and then called Darrel Hammond (who is the cleaner-upper bad guy for BBOCWHMEW à la Beardy for Frobisher, except every time I look at him all I see is ‘90s Saturday Night Live Bill Clinton) to clean up the mess, which he does.
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