Regular Poem: Just Another Song That Nonsensically Quantifies Teardrops

You know how songs like to quantify teardrops nonsensically?  Well… I’ve spent a lot more time and energy on this poem than I had planned.  I even dug into the deep recesses of my brain/education/the internet to figure exponential equations so the math would be at least partially accurate.  

On the first day that you left me
I did nothin’ but cry.
Good thing I was hefty
’cause even food was passin’ me by.
Just sat all day weepin’,
losin’ all my sleepin’
cryin’ big fat teardrops and wonderin’ why.

On the second day I got to countin’.
Had nothin’ better to do.
I was cryin’ a veritable fountain
since you’d been untrue.
Although my cryin’ seemed never ceasin’,
by approximately 15 percent it had been decreasin’,
but don’t get me wrong I still love you.

Estimate for day one lands at 104-thou
Two’s a little better with 88.
Month later I’m under 800 now.
But even if I extrapolate,
I’ll always be cryin’,
till the moment I’m dyin’,
exponentially cryin’ and how.

A closer look as the days stretch by:

I always got points in math for showing my work:

In a short two and a half months, I will be crying fewer than one tear a day!

Dueling Divas: #SpinsterHeiressProbz Edition

Posted as part of Backlots‘s Dueling Divas Blogathon running Dec. 20-23.

For a short while in my youth, I couldn’t tell sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine apart.  To my credit, they do share a family resemblance, and they do often play the same types of roles–the naive and mousy soft ingenue who gets mixed up with an ambiguously bad man who may or may not love her back (see Jane Eyre, Rebecca, The Women, In This Our Life, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, even Gone with the Wind to an extent).

What finally distinguished them for me is hard to pin down.  I just one day could tel them apart suddenly and realized I had an irrational attachment to Olivia and an irrational dislike for Joan.

When I heard they despised each other in real life, I somehow felt vindicated in my irrationality and also was firmly on Team de Havilland.  I mean, she’s Melanie–the best movie best friend ever–AND she was best friends with Bette Davis is real life.  That’s pretty damn BA.

But, for the purposes of this blogathon, I was going to try to put my prejudices aside.  I had chosen to compare and contrast thematically similar movies, pitting them against each other in an infographic showdown diva off.

I had chosen Suspicion for Joan Fontaine: the story of a spinster heiress who marries a dashing ne’er do well who may or may not want her for her money.  And The Heiress for Olivia de Havilland: the story of a spinster heiress who almost marries a dashing ne’er do well who may or may not want her for her money.

The problem was I hadn’t seen either of these movies before.  There I had been thinking it would be a pretty even spinster-heiress match up, like my Joan Crawford vs. Bette Davis Dual Duel had been last year.  Ha!  No dice!

Suspicion straight up sucks, and The Heiress straight up rules, Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland aside.

So my original plan of any kind of fair and balanced competition was out the window.  Here’s Plan B:  a flowchart that will help you figure out what kind of #SpinsterHeiressProbz you might have.

Although this flowchart ostensibly covers the two movies this post is supposed to be about, you might notice my favorite spinster-heiress movie pops up a few times as an added bonus.

OUaT 2.2 Recap: When the Evil Queen Decides to Stop Being Evil (Maybe)

Episode 2: We Are Both

The real mystery: Which one of the dwarves drives an El Camino?

We open with the seven dwarves investigating the boundary of Storybrooke.  They send Sneezy out across the line, and he gets caught in a blue beam of magic and subsequently convulses within the blue beam.

In the townsquare(ish) Red is organizing clean-up efforts and other support for the aftermath of the Soul Sucker tornado thing as well as the general fall out of having been under an amnesia curse for 28 years.

Once Upon a Time Season 1 Recap (All Spoilers, All the Time)

As I’ve noted previously, I often devour TV shows.  My latest has been Once Upon a Time so I can watch season 2 as it comes out.  I thought I might do some recaps of it, just for kicks.

First, let’s talk about how I (and all the girls I watch it with) call this show Xena Damages.

Because this show is all about badass ladies doing badass things in a badass, fantastical world filled with magic, overacting, and oddly poor CGI (à la Xena), but it is also about non-linear storytelling and an HBIC who wears delicious skirt suits, ruthlessly orchestrates people’s destructions, and rips people’s hearts out (à la Damages).

Why Don’t You Come Out to the Delta Quadrant Sometime and See Me?

I’m always creepin’ ’round teh internetz looking for blogathons to join because, say it with me now, my blog is super lame.  Well, I was looking the other day, and came across one that seemed kind of promising, but then I couldn’t think of anything to write about because I was only half interested in the subject; however, it did lead me to a link to a different blogathon that held a tad more interest for me.  I started researching a little and realized I COULD POTENTIALLY WRITE ABOUT CLASSIC MOVIES AND/OR CAPTAIN JANEWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Word.

So, without further ado, below looms my entry for Angela and her HollywoodRevue’s Paramount Centennial Blogathon.

Here’s my train of thought (disclaimer:  history filtered through my brain):

Movie studios faced some tough times during the Depression.  They had all this sound they didn’t exactly know what to do with yet.  They had all these actors who were kinda broad and weird from silent movies.  They didn’t have a strict production code to keep them from a million extraneous scenes of Marlene Dietrich swimming naked in ponds or Barbara Stanwyck taking off her stockings.  And they were having trouble getting an audience because everybody was super poor.

So, in the early ’30s, Paramount looked to Broadway, found a gal with a hit show, and gave her a movie deal.  That movie?  She Done Him Wrong.  That gal?  Mae West.

Subsequently, Paramount’s financial troubles lessened.

Fast forward 60 years.

How to Take Matters into Your Own Hands When Your Husband Plans to Kill You

Warning:  Spoilers for Sudden Fear.

So you accidentally left your dictaphone on and have overheard your husband plotting with his nasty girlfriend to kill you for your gargantuan inheritance?

What’s the next step?

Let’s go to our resident expert, Joan Crawford in Sudden Fear, who brings us this flow chart detailing your options:

Top 5 Sequels/Spin-Offs I Wish Existed

We’ve all got our “what if blah blah existed, wouldn’t it be the best thing ever?” lists.  I present one of mine (what sequels/spin-offs I wish would’ve or still would happen), complete with infographics.

#5: Ruthless People The Musical

The Original: In Ruthless People, a sweet but slightly bitter couple hard-up for cash (Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater) kidnap the wife (Bette Midler) of the man (Danny DeVito) who made them poor.  But the guy hates his wife and drags his feet giving them the ransom until he’s accused of her murder.  Misunderstandings, mistaken identities, and hilarity ensue, all ending in a big-ole seaside showdown.

The Proposed Sequel/Spin-Off: Same plot, plus songs by Bette Midler and Mick Jagger.  I’m debating whether it should be updated for the modern age.  I’m leaning toward yes because the movie is the ‘80s-est thing to exist, so the musical should be the 2010s-est thing to exist—heavy use of iPhone, skinny jeans, and pop-culture references, I’m thinking.
Highlights include the hit songs “The Kidnapped and Gettin’ Buff Blues” and “If We Look Like His Parents.”

Why It Would Be Spectacular:  I can’t think of a reason it wouldn’t be spectacular.  Big budget production numbers.  A gigantic cast.  Clever songs.  Sparkling dialogue.

Starring:

Disposable Razor Efficiency: An Infographic

#cylonprobz: A Flowchart

So, I get on kicks.  Right now I’m on a flowchart kick.  I was talking to Tish about it, and this conversation happened:

Me:  What should I make my next flowchart about?
Tish:  Have you washed the towels?
Me:  No.
Tish:  Maybe you should make a flowchart about that.
Me:  Nah.  But really…
Tish:  I don’t know.  Make one for me.

And so the wheels in my brain turned, and I made this Battlestar Galactica number.  It turned out slightly nerdier than I had intended because I had wanted it to be mostly country song lyrics to make Tish laugh.  Oh well.  When you got cylonprobz, you got cylonprobz.

Finding Your Sci-Fi Fit: A Flowchart

As I watched BSG yesterday and one roommate was taking a nap and the other was at work but would have been napping if she’d been home, I realized anew how intense/dense BSG is and how it’s not for everybody and how it’s not even for me all the time.

So I created this handy flowchart to help pick out the sci-fi TV show that’s right for you.