Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “who played commander janeway in battlestar galactica”:
I wonder if this crossover is intentional. If not, your brain accidentally made something up that my brain only wishes it had come up with.
So say we all,
Alexandra
***
Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “lady macbeth i started late and forgot the dog”:
You’re right! I should write more about Lady Macbeth!
Unsex me here,
Alexandra
In real life, bitches can grow tiresome, but on TV we can indulge in all our bitch fantasies by living vicariously through terrible people. Below is a listing of my top 5 characters in film and television that I would not get along with in real life because of their profound awfulness but whose profound awfulness is profoundly watchable.
Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) and Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke) in a typical tableau, with Julia reprimanding Suzanne and both of them wearing the absolute ’80s-est things they could find in their respective closets that morning
Re: Detestability: Julia’s a know-it-all progressive attack dog, and Suzanne is a self-absorbed racist.
Re: Lovability: For all Julia’s know-it-all shenanigans, once in a while, she goes on a tirade that’s spot on, and even when it’s not, it’s so eloquent and passionately delivered. Also, she has a lovely soprano singing voice. And fabulous clothes. Suzanne, on the other hand, is the most hilarious woman of the ‘80s. Remember that time she sang “The Name Game” as a good luck chant when she was gambling in Atlantic City? Remember that time she had a pet pig? Remember that time she shot Anthony?
Damages Spoilers through Season 3.
So that I don’t seem too rambling, I’ll divide this post into three sections: Chronology Questions, which addresses questions I had because of ambiguous information in flashforwards, flashbacks, and dreams; Moral Quandaries/Thematic Musings, which addresses deeper issues concerning philosophy and other such things; and Seasons 4-5 Predictions, which addresses what in the world could come next.
Chronology Questions
The whole time the flashforward cops were kind of implying that neither they nor Patty knew about Tom’s money situation; however, he gave a press conference all about it.
What I want to know is what precipitated all these Season 3 Hallucinations. It’s been 10 months since the stabbing and hostage situation. Why didn’t these hallucinations begin like 10 months ago? Or at the end of Season 1 when Patty just about killed her surrogate daughter for the same reasons she killed her real daughter?
Tom and Ellen’s law firm. Was this ever real, or was this a lie Ellen told the police? And if it was a lie she told the police, why did she decide to say that, of all things?
Episode 13: The Next One’s Gonna Go in Your Throat, cont.
When is season 4 out on Netflix?!
"Yeah, Patty changed her mind because that's something Patty does easily and often, especially about stuff that involves the safety of her two BFFs."
Tom and Ellen meet on the street (outside Ellen’s house?). She’s realized her bag is gone, and she’s going to file a report about it. Tom says he talked to Patty, who has reconsidered and now wants Tom to go through with the deal. Whoa. I do not believe that. Does Ellen believe that for real, or does she want to do it as badly as Tom does? Ooh! I understand why that flashforward of Patty crying, “I told you to stop!” happened!!!!! That screaming is either to Tom or Ellen, not some hired hitman killing Tom!!!!
Episode 12: You Were His Little Monkey
Patty falls asleep in her office chair. In her dream, Patty’s looking through a hole in a wall to see that horse again, except this time he’s appropriately in an outdoor pen.
Back in real life, Judge has looked over the brief about TM and the charity/Antigua money laundering and has decided to let them continue with the case. And there are so many stripes in this scene. Patty and Tom are each wearing two different stripes, and the Judge is wearing three different stripes. Whoa, costume designers!
“Is this an inflated y-axis?”
However, Judge wants to talk to Patty alone about Tom’s financial situation (because he’s recently found out about it). Patty seems surprised and concerned.
In Patty’s office, Patty grills Tom about why he didn’t tell her sooner and ends the scene by telling him, “You know what you need to do.” My roommate says, “Kill yourself.”
Episode 11: All That Crap about Your Family, cont.
To cut all the Patty-and-Ellen’s-torturous-breakup tension in this episode, someone decided it would be a good idea to have some retarded Frobisher time. They’re having a read-through of Frobisher’s movie with some baby playing Patty Hewes.
If this gal can play Patty Hewes, sign me up for the audition list. Frobisher thinks something’s off, though, but can’t put his finger on what. He does comment that they need a real actress to truly portray Patty’s evilness. Patti LuPone! Patti LuPone!
Joe’s so worried about TM being in custody that he goes to see Zedeck. Flashback to Thanksgiving. Zedeck gives some exposition about why Dad Tobin used TM as the courier—he could trust her, and he was desperate because of the impending investigation. But Joe wants to know how much TM knew. He doesn’t trust that TM will stay loyal. I’m worried for her.
Episode 11: All That Crap about Your Family
I have the feeling this post will run long because of all the necessary pictures of broken-hearted Ellen, so this will be the first post of two.
Ellen arrives at Ann Connell’s cozy suburban home and exchanges awkward pleasantries.
Tom rushes into Patty’s office to inform her that Gates has arrested TM, and they wonder how he knew to do that just at that moment. Or do they wonder?!
TM, meanwhile, wants to know why she’s under arrest. Well, her boyfriend is here illegally from Antigua, and housing an illegal alien is illegal! She wants Patty to be her lawyer. Duh.
That’s just what Gates wanted all along, and he and Nondescript DA Guy pat each other on the back about arresting her and figuring out Ellen’s allegiance. When Nondescript DA Guy asks if he’ll fire Ellen, Gates tells him to send Ellen to his office “when she gets back from wherever the hell she is.”
Ellen’s now sitting on Ann Connell’s Maiden Aunt Furniture. If I grow up to be a Maiden Aunt, someone slap me out of buying overstuffed floral anything. Those are the absolute worst.
Episode 3.10: “Tell Me I’m Not Racist”
Ellen’s bringing flowers to Patty’s house again? Is there a non-dinner party I don’t know about? Oh, weird lighting and weird baby music in the background, so Ellen must be having weird dreams now, too! So, Ellen’s carrying these yellow flowers into Patty’s, and she keeps calling out for Patty as she looks around the seemingly empty apartment, but when she gets to the kitchen, there’s a brunette we’ve never seen before making supper, and she’s talking to Ellen as though Ellen is a kid.
“Wanna stir the blood-esque sauce, little one?”
Episode 9: “Drive It through Hardcore”
Previously on: Ellen’s sister’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble! Hey nah! Hey nah! Ellen’s sister’s back!
2 months later: Tom walks into Patty’s office and tenders his resignation. He’s doing that Tom-clenching-his-jaw face that I’m kind of in love with. She gives him an ambiguous look as he walks away.
Does this face say "Baldie, I might need you to kill Tom" or "Best of luck, Tom. I cherish the time we had together, and I will miss you terribly"?
2 months earlier: Martin Short walks into the apartment where apparently he and Crazy Sister are roomies. She’s dejectedly watching Wheel of Fortune (Is there any other way to watch Wheel of Fortune?), and he’s concerned about her being crazy, yet he needs her to be in hiding until Ellen quits sticking her nose in everybody’s business. He suggests she see her shrink, and she says, “You know my brother doesn’t want me to do that.” He says he’ll talk to Joe about it.
Martin Short leaves, and it’s revealed he’s got somebody watching the place (This guy has SO many PIs all the time!). Patty’s got Baldie watching the place, as well (Patty has only one PI at a time).
Episode 8: “I Look Like Frankenstein”
Previously on: Frobisher!?!?!? Ugh!!!!!
Flashforward: Ok, that thing that I thought might’ve been one of those bookends that killed Ellen’s fiancé is not a bookend; it’s a bobble head on Tom’s dash. We see from the driver’s perspective (so we still don’t know who ran Patty down). We’ve got driving gloves and heavy breathing.
At the station, Magician Cop is talking to Ellen and writing stuff down with this pen that I also own—except mine has a pink shaft. He tells Ellen that Patty has been in a car wreck. Ellen’s asking a lot of questions about what happened. She seems rather emotional but in a reserved, cagey Ellen way. I can’t tell whether she knows more than she’s letting on. Then Magician Cop says, “You’re good at puzzles, right?” and proceeds to tear up a piece of paper into “puzzle pieces.” How’s this paper going to help anything? Maybe creepy-ass Magician Cop killed Tom. What a weirdo.
Check out those stairs! Is this the same set as Patty’s house, or do Patty and Frobisher live in the same building? (They also have the same patio doors!) PS, the guy in the background with the full beard is Actor, and that woman in the foreground is not integral to the plot whatsoever, but I love her because of this awesome face I accidentally captured her making.
3 months earlier, Frobisher’s having a fundraiser-type rich-people party in what looks like Patty’s house (but of course is not. Frobisher and Patty always have the same taste in living arrangements—modern wood-and-glass fancy stuff). He’s starting some green energy wind initiative or something ridiculous and says as part of his speech, “What is the point of doing anything unless you’re doing good?” He talks about a movie star who supports his cause and has come to his party.
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