Tag Archives: Delta Burke

Regular Poem: Amateur Casting Agent

28 Apr

Delta Burke
is already playing you
in the Lifetime Movie of this event
playing out in my mind.

She’s thrashing through the set,
southern accent in Florida hurricane force,
Emmy-winning scenery chewing–
and it’s not just chewing;
it’s full devouring:
mastication, swallowing, digesting–
rambling monologues
strewn over several scenes
picking up and putting down
at jarring angles,
forced haphazardly into
other dialogue
and other scenes
disjointed and mysterious,
nonsensical but somehow satisfying diatribes,
testing the very fibers
of suspension of disbelief,
drawing taut the fibers
of vicarious rage.

By the end
(and you know how Lifetime Movies end:
all Suburbans crashing through bungalows
and women in dark glasses walking away from burning warehouses)
there’s no scenery even left.

It’s just Delta Burke
and the camera’s cold gaze
and a commercial for next week’s
Battered Army Moms at Christmas
or whatever.

But come on, lady.
At least I didn’t cast
Valerie Bertinelli
as you.
Then you’d never have
forgiven me.

But of course
I couldn’t
because
she was tied up with
Battered Army Moms at Christmas.

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Top 5 Ladies I Would Hate in Real Life (but cannot get enough of on film/television)

11 Jun

In real life, bitches can grow tiresome, but on TV we can indulge in all our bitch fantasies by living vicariously through terrible people.  Below is a listing of my top 5 characters in film and television that I would not get along with in real life because of their profound awfulness but whose profound awfulness is profoundly watchable.

Tie for #4 & #5:  The Sugarbaker Girls (Designing Women)

Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) and Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke) in a typical tableau, with Julia reprimanding Suzanne and both of them wearing the absolute ’80s-est things they could find in their respective closets that morning

Re:  Detestability:  Julia’s a know-it-all progressive attack dog, and Suzanne is a self-absorbed racist.

Re:  Lovability:  For all Julia’s know-it-all shenanigans, once in a while, she goes on a tirade that’s spot on, and even when it’s not, it’s so eloquent and passionately delivered.  Also, she has a lovely soprano singing voice.  And fabulous clothes.  Suzanne, on the other hand, is the most hilarious woman of the ‘80s.  Remember that time she sang “The Name Game” as a good luck chant when she was gambling in Atlantic City?  Remember that time she had a pet pig?  Remember that time she shot Anthony?

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New Lady-Buddy-Cop-Mystery-Comedy Show on Horizon (of My Mind)

10 Dec

I’ve got an idea for a new lady-buddy-cop-mystery-comedy show à la Rizzoli & Isles.  This is already exciting, I know, but here’s the best part:  Delta Burke.

I was more excited about Delta Burke when I was blissfully unaware of how much plastic surgery she's had. Maybe it will have worn off by the time my show's being produced?

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