Top 5 Ladies I Would Hate in Real Life (but cannot get enough of on film/television)

In real life, bitches can grow tiresome, but on TV we can indulge in all our bitch fantasies by living vicariously through terrible people.  Below is a listing of my top 5 characters in film and television that I would not get along with in real life because of their profound awfulness but whose profound awfulness is profoundly watchable.

Tie for #4 & #5:  The Sugarbaker Girls (Designing Women)

Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) and Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke) in a typical tableau, with Julia reprimanding Suzanne and both of them wearing the absolute ’80s-est things they could find in their respective closets that morning

Re:  Detestability:  Julia’s a know-it-all progressive attack dog, and Suzanne is a self-absorbed racist.

Re:  Lovability:  For all Julia’s know-it-all shenanigans, once in a while, she goes on a tirade that’s spot on, and even when it’s not, it’s so eloquent and passionately delivered.  Also, she has a lovely soprano singing voice.  And fabulous clothes.  Suzanne, on the other hand, is the most hilarious woman of the ‘80s.  Remember that time she sang “The Name Game” as a good luck chant when she was gambling in Atlantic City?  Remember that time she had a pet pig?  Remember that time she shot Anthony?

Damages 3.13 Recap, Part 2: Finale Ultima

Episode 13:  The Next One’s Gonna Go in Your Throat, cont.
When is season 4 out on Netflix?!

"Yeah, Patty changed her mind because that's something Patty does easily and often, especially about stuff that involves the safety of her two BFFs."

Tom and Ellen meet on the street (outside Ellen’s house?).  She’s realized her bag is gone, and she’s going to file a report about it.  Tom says he talked to Patty, who has reconsidered and now wants Tom to go through with the deal.  Whoa.  I do not believe that.  Does Ellen believe that for real, or does she want to do it as badly as Tom does?  Ooh!  I understand why that flashforward of Patty crying, “I told you to stop!” happened!!!!!  That screaming is either to Tom or Ellen, not some hired hitman killing Tom!!!!

Damages 3.13 Recap, Part 1: Finale Penultima

Episode 13:  “The Next One’s Gonna Go in Your Throat”
First Post of Two (three if you count the notes page) Alert–It’s the finale, after all!

Patty’s at the lakehouse in her all-business sunglasses.  She flashes back to May 1972 (as a title card informs us).  A doctor tells Patty being a mother’s more important that any law school stuff she has planned.  Her voiceover seems to capitulate.  A blonde who may or may not be a young Patty stands outside the fence at a horse pen and pets a horse.  Julian Decker appears from out of the barn and asks what she’s up to all the way out there.

"Surprise! I'm real only in Patty's flashbacks!"

Um… Julian Decker has been a hallucination the whole time?!?!?!?

Damages 3.11 Recap, Part 2: When Patty Totally Breaks Up with Alex Benjamin

Episode 11:  All That Crap about Your Family, cont.

To cut all the Patty-and-Ellen’s-torturous-breakup tension in this episode, someone decided it would be a good idea to have some retarded Frobisher time.  They’re having a read-through of Frobisher’s movie with some baby playing Patty Hewes.

If this gal can play Patty Hewes, sign me up for the audition list.  Frobisher thinks something’s off, though, but can’t put his finger on what.  He does comment that they need a real actress to truly portray Patty’s evilness.  Patti LuPone!  Patti LuPone!

Joe’s so worried about TM being in custody that he goes to see Zedeck.  Flashback to Thanksgiving.  Zedeck gives some exposition about why Dad Tobin used TM as the courier—he could trust her, and he was desperate because of the impending investigation.  But Joe wants to know how much TM knew.  He doesn’t trust that TM will stay loyal.  I’m worried for her.

Damages 3.11 Recap, Part 1: When Patty Totally Breaks Up with Ellen

Episode 11:  All That Crap about Your Family
I have the feeling this post will run long because of all the necessary pictures of broken-hearted Ellen, so this will be the first post of two. 

Ellen arrives at Ann Connell’s cozy suburban home and exchanges awkward pleasantries.

Tom rushes into Patty’s office to inform her that Gates has arrested TM, and they wonder how he knew to do that just at that moment.  Or do they wonder?!

TM, meanwhile, wants to know why she’s under arrest.  Well, her boyfriend is here illegally from Antigua, and housing an illegal alien is illegal!  She wants Patty to be her lawyer.  Duh.

That’s just what Gates wanted all along, and he and Nondescript DA Guy pat each other on the back about arresting her and figuring out Ellen’s allegiance.  When Nondescript DA Guy asks if he’ll fire Ellen, Gates tells him to send Ellen to his office “when she gets back from wherever the hell she is.”

Ellen’s now sitting on Ann Connell’s Maiden Aunt Furniture.  If I grow up to be a Maiden Aunt, someone slap me out of buying overstuffed floral anything.  Those are the absolute worst.

Damages 3.9 Recap: When Patty Hewes Is So Very Patty Hewes

Episode 9:  “Drive It through Hardcore”

Previously on:  Ellen’s sister’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble!  Hey nah!  Hey nah! Ellen’s sister’s back!

2 months later:  Tom walks into Patty’s office and tenders his resignation.  He’s doing that Tom-clenching-his-jaw face that I’m kind of in love with.  She gives him an ambiguous look as he walks away.

Does this face say "Baldie, I might need you to kill Tom" or "Best of luck, Tom. I cherish the time we had together, and I will miss you terribly"?

2 months earlier:  Martin Short walks into the apartment where apparently he and Crazy Sister are roomies.  She’s dejectedly watching Wheel of Fortune (Is there any other way to watch Wheel of Fortune?), and he’s concerned about her being crazy, yet he needs her to be in hiding until Ellen quits sticking her nose in everybody’s business.  He suggests she see her shrink, and she says, “You know my brother doesn’t want me to do that.”  He says he’ll talk to Joe about it.

Martin Short leaves, and it’s revealed he’s got somebody watching the place (This guy has SO many PIs all the time!).  Patty’s got Baldie watching the place, as well (Patty has only one PI at a time).

Damages 3.8 Recap: When Frobisher Returns, and We All Groan Because He Is Ridiculous and Not That Interesting

Episode 8:  “I Look Like Frankenstein”

Previously on:  Frobisher!?!?!?  Ugh!!!!!

Flashforward:  Ok, that thing that I thought might’ve been one of those bookends that killed Ellen’s fiancé is not a bookend; it’s a bobble head on Tom’s dash.  We see from the driver’s perspective (so we still don’t know who ran Patty down).  We’ve got driving gloves and heavy breathing.

At the station, Magician Cop is talking to Ellen and writing stuff down with this pen that I also own—except mine has a pink shaft.  He tells Ellen that Patty has been in a car wreck.  Ellen’s asking a lot of questions about what happened.  She seems rather emotional but in a reserved, cagey Ellen way.  I can’t tell whether she knows more than she’s letting on. Then Magician Cop says, “You’re good at puzzles, right?”  and proceeds to tear up a piece of paper into “puzzle pieces.”  How’s this paper going to help anything?  Maybe creepy-ass Magician Cop killed Tom.  What a weirdo.

Check out those stairs! Is this the same set as Patty’s house, or do Patty and Frobisher live in the same building? (They also have the same patio doors!)  PS, the guy in the background with the full beard is Actor, and that woman in the foreground is not integral to the plot whatsoever, but I love her because of this awesome face I accidentally captured her making.

3 months earlier, Frobisher’s having a fundraiser-type rich-people party in what looks like Patty’s house (but of course is not.  Frobisher and Patty always have the same taste in living arrangements—modern wood-and-glass fancy stuff).  He’s starting some green energy wind initiative or something ridiculous and says as part of his speech, “What is the point of doing anything unless you’re doing good?”  He talks about a movie star who supports his cause and has come to his party.

Damages 3.7 Recap: When Patty and Ellen Use their Respective Rebounds As Pawns

Disclaimer 2/13/12–I promise I did not read this recap until just this moment:  This other recapper and I are incidentally totally on the same page (we even use several of the same-ish screencaps).

Episode 7:  “You Haven’t Replaced Me”

Bourbon and Oreos? At 4 AM? Barfalicious, Patty.

Patty wakes Ellen up with a 4 AM phone call.  Ellen frets sleepily, wondering if everything is ok.  No worries:  Patty’s chilling in her office eating the worst snack ever and just called to leave a voicemail inviting Ellen to a little get together at her place on Thursday.  Ellen capitulates and makes an ambiguous facial expression as she falls back asleep next to Appalachia Reporter.

Is this a smile or a grimace?

Dammit, Tom! Why you gotta be married? And dead?

Tom follows DMM’s daughter into an Antiguan bank, where she meets with a woman in a jaunty yellow scarf.  If I worked at an Antiguan bank, I would want to be just like that woman.  In other fashion news, Tom’s Antigua traveling suit = BEST.  He is so classy.  Do I have a crush on Tom?

A Bank Dude sees Tom watching Tessa Marchetti—TM, as it were—and ousts him.  Tom apparently makes a better CSI than a PI because he got made pretty darn quickly.

TM goes to the back room and gives her check to Jaunty Scarf, signs three papers, and receives a fat envelope.

On the phone, Patty advises Tom to stay in Antigua because maybe he can get TM to talk.  Good thinking, Patty:  I know Tom’s charm would work on me.  He’s so dreamy in Antigua!!!

Damages 3.2 Recap: When Tom Is No Longer Flush with Cash

Episode 2: “The Dog Is Happier without Her”

 

Daddy Tobin and Joe Tobin are again secretly meeting in Martin Short’s office.  Joe feels conflicted about whether he should find the hidden money his dad has promised exists “or [he] could go to Patty Hewes now and clear [his] name.”  He seems to want to do the right thing, yet his dad keeps pressuring him, culminating in this line:

You have to decide:  Your family or Patty Hewes?

This is totally a motif in the show.  David certainly gave almost that verbatim ultimatum (Verbatim Ultimatum!  Awesome band name!) to Ellen.  When that ultimatum was issued way back in season one, Ellen picked Patty.