Regular Poem: I Haven’t Been Feeling Like Myself Lately

17 Apr

but who even is this
me
i’m always claiming
not to feel like
anymore

the more i think about it
the more it just kind of
seems like a convenient lie
a shorthand
that surely someone
understands
although that someone isn’t me
or even the me i allegedly no longer feel like

maybe she never existed
and the thing i don’t feel like
is something
i’ve never felt like
a ghost
of a person who never lived

i didn’t kill her off
in a drunken rage on my sailboat
after prom four years ago
my old pals who attended the party aren’t covering up the accidental murder
because of fear and hush money

i didn’t steal her haircut
and her credit cards
and her boyfriend
and masquerade as her for a while
until her nosy sister came snooping around

no she is me
on a rainy day
coughing into a dainty white handkerchief
talking to herself
myself
in a southern accent
feeling romantic
and restless
about nothing
but the moisture in the air
and the amalgamataion of vaguely glamorous clothes we’ve somehow decided to put on
feeling like a character
rather than a person

i’ve never had an out of body experience
unless you count every day
thinking i feel different
when i probably
just feel miserably the same

i’ve said it so many times
“only boring people get bored”
and of course i’ve always meant it
i always mean what i say
in some kind of way anyway
but that was because i’d never been bored
but now i always am
bored that is
but i still believe it

maybe i used to be
not so boring
just as sad
just as angry
just as excitable
just as romantic about nothing
just not so old
and boring

i compensate
like any good boring girl who used to not be so boring
indulge myself
in any
thing
that might prove
not so boring
spin a tale
to sound
like an adventure
any adventure

any adventure will do
i think
to bring her back
but did she ever adventure
or is that the current me
pretending
remembering a false memory

maybe i’ve always been just as
boring
and just as
adventurous

maybe i’ve just
had different thoughts
to think
and those made
the same feelings
feel
different

ain’t my hair still curly
and my eyes still blue

i laugh at myself
and the classic country lyrics
flitting through my half atrophied brain
surely i used to have better
thought exercises
i haven’t diagrammed a sentence in months
haven’t analyzed anything
found symbols and motifs
elucidated
elucidated

do i even remember
half
the fifty cent words
i used to know and love

i hardly remember

i hardly remember how
to be the person
i might have been

some people do though
i ran into some people today
and they had known me
and i remain
their favorite
intellectual
quasi intellectual
i ammend for the sake of my own pride
but there is no ammendment
for them

i don’t presume to know their thoughts
but they look at me the same
and talk to me the same
and defer to me the same
they respect and love me
for who i am
whatever that is
or whatever that
used to be
when they saw me last
and loved me last

it’s weird
not feeling like the person
who may or may not have existed
that may or may not used to be

and it’s weirder
knowing
you seem similar enough

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2 Responses to “Regular Poem: I Haven’t Been Feeling Like Myself Lately”

  1. Silver Screenings 18 April 2016 at 9:59 AM #

    Lots to ponder in this piece. It reminds me of bumping into a former classmate about year ago, one I hadn’t seen in easily 10 years. He introduced me to his wife as the funniest person he knew. I was horrified at that statement – not only is it pressure to be funny and clever on the spot, I was stunned that he thought I was so amusing. (Which I wasn’t…just a case of memory playing tricks on a person.)

    I love how you ended this, with thoughts of being the person you may or may not have been, but being similar enough.

    • TheBestofAlexandra 18 April 2016 at 10:13 PM #

      Sometimes when I’m in a glittery cocktail dress I fool even myself. Ha! And I’m sure you’re just as witty as that person remembered! But I do know the sentiment. If I could step out of myself and see myself as others do for just an hour!

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