Regular Poem: i keep

16 Feb

i keep
my house chilly
and my heart
chillier
but how
do you keep
warm
on these cold lonely
winter
nights
you might ask

the short answer
is

i don’t

the long answer
is

rage is an inefficient fuel
blazes too hot
too fast
too often
scorches through you
till your filaments
just burn out
and you have to replace yourself
again and again
like lightbulbs in a bathroom with
ancient wiring

i plead
fill my cup to overflowing
turn this heart of stone to a heart of flesh
and yet i burn and burn out and am replaced again
a new bulb every day
(every hour some days)
waiting
hoping
come quickly Lord
i end the prayers every time
and it’s probably the only part
i actually
desire
and i wonder
is this
just selfish
let the world burn so i can
throw a crown
(probably a shitty one at that
made of tin
or even lead
maybe just dandelions)
at Someone Else’s feet
and be done with it
nobody marrying or being given
in marriage
no tears
no sorrows
none of this
rage
none of this
wretchedness
none of this
this
just
perfection
whatever that is
(all pearls and jade and gold and God)
i don’t
know now
i don’t
need to know
i just
know
substance of things hoped for
evidence of things unseen
you know

anyway
i sweat in my sleep
on those cold lonely
winter
nights
i always go to bed cold
and wake up hot
and start my day
hating everything
listening to the old testament
somehow
i keep
up with it
and
somehow
He keeps me
and
i keep

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