Dear Googlers 5: Other Letters to Other People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

29 Mar

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “a poem for a drunken jerk” and “forgotten fake poet”:

Welcome!  I am an unknown fake poet, so if I’m remembered at all, I will be soon forgotten.  Also, I am often a jerk and sometimes a drunk, so many of my poems–which you can find here–might appeal to your drunken, jerky proclivities.



Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “janeway flirts with seven”:

True.  But to her credit, Janeway flirts with everyone.

You better have something bigger in your torpedo tubes,


Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “5 adjective sentence about a wolf and the moonlight”:

In the electric moonlight, the wolf’s coarse, ebony fur glimmered, and the howling, feral beast prowled ceaselessly toward its prey.

I’m probably helping you cheat on your homework.  Whoops,


Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “‘why was voyager so cheesy,” “why janeway sucks,” and “why was voyager so bad:

Cheesy, at times, yes.  It was the ’90s, after all.  Janeway sucks and Voyager is bad? Watch “Year of Hell,” and if you still think this way, you probably need to reevaluate your life.

I mean for real that time Janeway lets herself get third degree burns to save everyone.  I mean really,


Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “how to diagram an inverted sentence” and “too much love will kill you reed kellogg sentence diagram”:

The key to any Reed-Kellogg sentence diagram is finding the main subject and the main verb; then you can shuffle the rest of the stuff around as much as you need.  Inverted sentences (where the word order isn’t straight subject-verb-complement) aren’t super uncommon, as that’s how we usually ask questions.  You also encounter them quite a bit when you go to middle school slumber parties and play “Never have I ever.”

do you want to play a game

The above diagram is the question, “Do you want to play a game?”  The subject is you, the verb is do want–because the auxiliary do has been added to form the question, and the direct object is the infinitive to play with its own object a game.

never have i ever been to australia

Our next diagram shows what Little Susie used as her opener to our game (“Never have I ever been to Australia.”).  The subject is I, the verb is have been, never and ever are both adverbs describing when she has been, and the prepositional phrase to Australia works adverbially to tell us where she has been.

And while we’re at it, we’ll go ahead and do the other one below.  Love is the subject, will kill is the verb, and you is the direct object.  Much is an adjective describing love, and too is an adverb describing much.

too much love will kill you

Always a pleasure,


Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “lady cavaliers duel”:

Be still my heart!  Were I but able to fulfill this request!  Would you wear my colors, sweet Googler?



Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “suzanne sugarbaker chant before gambling”:

You will find it at 3:12.  It’s really just the Name Game with her maid Consuela’s name in it, and it is one of my favorite things of all things.

Get some black wigs and get outta town,


Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms picture of dog with eyebrows like joan crawford“:

I don’t know why you decided to search for this, but now that I have also done this search–as inspired by you, googler–it is a search that is well worth everyone’s time and effort.



Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “creepy family photos with puppets“:

new clown and andy creepy puppet new clown

For the record I find none of these creepy,

4 Responses to “Dear Googlers 5: Other Letters to Other People I’ve Never Met (Probably)”

  1. Silver Screenings 1 April 2015 at 7:47 AM #

    Great post! Random thoughts:
    – Poem for a drunken jerk? Wow! I’m going to try that, and see what other blogs come up.
    – Thanks for the Reed-Kellogg tip.
    – The request for a dog with eyebrows like Joan Crawford’s made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! However, I’m not sure my search requests are much more intelligent…
    – Puppet photos are always a hit, in my opinion.

    • TheBestofAlexandra 1 April 2015 at 11:47 PM #

      Did you google the dog with Joan Crawford eyebrows though? I did, and it was awesome.
      And I’m so glad to hear that I have one other person in the world who can appreciate puppet photos!

      • Silver Screenings 2 April 2015 at 5:56 AM #

        I did google it & discovered practically a whole subculture dedicated to Ms Joan’s eyebrows. I had NO idea there was so much chatter about this topic! It’s like stumbling upon an unknown civilization.

      • TheBestofAlexandra 3 May 2015 at 9:43 PM #

        Like to be devoted to her eyebrows is one thing–they do have a certain mesmerizing power–but to force your dog into it, too? It’s too bizarre.

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