If Everything Were Written by Charlotte Brontë

30 Mar

What if everything were written in the same mellifluous, melodramatic style as Jane Eyre?  Wouldn’t life be glorious?

If Double Indemnity were written by Charlotte Brontë, that scene where Phyllis and Walter confront each other in Phyllis’s living room might go a little something like this…

venetian blinds stanwyck

Rather dimly do I recall the events of this evening, though it was not long ago.  Presently, as the very life blood pours out of me, the memories come to me as through a haze, some dingy fog that might be seen in a great coastal town on a moonless, dreary night–and understandably so as I look through my mind’s eye at the scene.

It was near twilight, and the room was smoky and dark, the only light slinking shyly through the venetian blinds, bending at unnatural angles and falling headlong on the personage of Mrs. Dietrichson, giving her such a phantasmagorical cast that I inwardly gasped to gaze upon her pristine and preternatural visage.

She held in her slim hand an elegant little pistol, and she grinned evilly as she made her pronouncement that we were both quite rotten.

If Charlotte Brontë wrote Star Trek: Voyager, we might get a little introspection as Captain Janeway talks with Admiral Janeway during “Endgame”…

Granny Janeway and Mama Janeway

A faint feeling of doom pervaded the air as I stared into the gray eyes of my hoary counterpart.  She–or I; pronouns become so tricky–diverted her gaze for an instant and stared into the cup, into the hot, black liquid she had claimed to have eschewed in favor of a tamer beverage.  Scarcely could I believe her, but scarcely could I not believe her, for she was I, or vice versa.

Vaguely I discerned a barely perceptible throbbing at my temple, and I knew I should endeavor now–while it was still at its incipient stage–to quell it before it became a headache in earnest.  Alas, here before me was the physical manifestation of all the dreaded paradoxes temporal mechanics invariably promise: future and past coalescing into an unholy amalgamation that spews melancholic portents as well as infinitesimal hope.  All of this, of course, served to add bountifully to my increasingly ill humour and my increasingly less faint headache.

If Charlotte Brontë wrote Taylor Swift songs, they might not be quite so catchy…

I utter this with absolute and unyielding finality: Our association–such as it was, the capricious and vile nature of which caused within my soul great tumult–is henceforward and forevermore terminated.

I hasten you to converse with your sundry associates, and I shall endeavor to gain confidences from mine.  Regardless of their respective replies, I say again with no less determination, our association is absolutely, resolutely, beyond all doubt terminated.

3 Responses to “If Everything Were Written by Charlotte Brontë”

  1. silverscreenings 30 March 2013 at 9:24 PM #

    BRILLIANT! I love the Bronte-esque “Double Indemnity” scene. More of these, please.


  1. Quotation: Charlotte Bronte on injury of the psyche and physical injury | euzicasa - 1 April 2013

    […] If Everything Were Written by Charlotte Brontë (thebestofalexandra.wordpress.com) […]

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