OUaT 2.9 Recap: When the Joker Ain’t the Only Fool Who’ll Do Anything for You

8 Feb

Episode 9: Playin’ with the Queen of Hearts

Fairytale Flashback:  Hook decimates some Queen’s guards.  He saves Belle from the queen’s prison.  Hook wants to know about the weapon to kill Gold.  He pimp slaps her and says,  “So pretty, so useless.”  Now that’s just mean.

Regina comes in and saves Belle from imminent death.  Is this Dynasty?!  WTF is this fabulous outfit!?

…Yes. Give me more of this.

She knows all about Hook and how he wants to kill Gold.  She explains that Belle can’t help him but she can, if he does something for her.  She tells him about the curse she’s about to do, after which Hook won’t need magic to kill Gold.  She explains that she wants to take out a hit on her mom so that Cora won’t follow her into curseland.

Back in ME:  Charming is not coming out of the magically induced coma.  Regina’s optimistic, but Gold isn’t.  He thinks Cora will come through the portal instead of Snow & co.  He wants to destroy the portal, but everyone coming through would die.  He tries to manipulate her into killing Snow and Emma “accidentally.”

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  They get to Gold’s cell.  Sleeping Beauty finds a message.  It’s Emma’s name written a million times on a scroll.  No ink to be had.

Back in ME: Henry’s reading to Charming, and Regina wants him to stay and watch Charming.  She’s going to be working with Gold.  She’s going to try to help.  Henry’s impressed with her change.  I love you so, Non-Evil Queen.

Gold and Regina go to the mine with the magic diamonds, which are shining bright like diamonds, btw.  He gets out the wand to soak up the magic for laterz.

Fairy Tale Land Flashback:  Evil Queen enchants Hook’s hook.  It will only get one heart out.  She explains the rules of the land to which he will be venturing:  2 in 2 back.  So he’s going to Wonderland!  Cora IS the Queen of Hearts!  She sends him on his merry way through the hat with a dead body to circumvent the rules.

Hook gets to Wonderland and inquires after Cora, where he is informed that “in this land she goes by ‘Your Majesty.'”

He tries to take her heart, but it ain’t there.  She’s flabbergasted (?) that Regina wants to kill her.  She wants to know everything.

Modern-day Fairy Tale Land:  Sleeping Beauty traps everybody (because Cora’s still controlling her, ‘member), and Cora shows up to take the compass.  Emma tries to reason with Hook.  He has the giant’s bean, which, he explains, is a symbol–once full of hope and magic, now useless and dried up, just like Emma.  K.  Hook woke up on the bitchy side of the bed this episode.

Back in ME:  Red and Grumpy investigate the mines’ losing their magic then go to tell Henry about it, who starts to make a plan.  Because he’s the smartest one in the whole town.  Duh.

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  In the cell, everybody’s performing “Your Fault” talking about blame, and Emma figures she’s a pawn.  Yes.  You’re right, my derpy friend.

Elsewhere, Cora and Hook are going to that same old dried-up lake, which Cora makes a fountain in.

Fairy Tale Land Flashback:  Cora laments, “[Regina] should’ve killed me herself.”  She makes a deal with Hook to work for her.  She’s not going to control him via his heart because Regina knows her tricks and will recognize the scam.  Cora wants Hook to get her close to Regina so that she can kill her.

…Yes. More of this, too.

Later, Cora’s body is in a casket, but we know she’s not really dead.  Regina looks genuinely emotional about what she thinks is her mother’s death.  She realizes she loves her, and that’s a weakness: that’s why she can’t have Cora following her to Cursed Land because she’ll distract her from revenge and all that.  Sweet Baby Evil Queen is crying, and I just can’t.

Regina leaves, and Not Dead Cora caresses the rose Regina’s placed in the casket.  She and Hook talk:  Hook’s confused about why Cora didn’t kill her daughter.  She explains there’s been a change in plans.  She enchants a portion of Fairy Tale Land to protect it from the curse.  She explains her plan thus:

Regina doesn’t need me, not when she thinks she’s winning.  When the curse ends, she’ll have lost everything, and she’ll need me.

Which is, with a few names changed, taken directly from the lost first draft of Black Swan.

Back in ME:  Regina and Gold go to the well that brings back lost things, which is bubbling.

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  Snow remembers watching people do magic, blows on the paper, and gets them out.  Sleeping Beauty insists on being left behind because she can’t be trusted.  Dawww!  You’re kind of smart!

Elsewhere, Hook and Cora throw the ashes of the magic wardrobe into the lake.

Back in ME:  Gold throws the magic into the well.

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  After their escape, the OUaT Spice Girls (minus Posh, who can’t be trusted) have made it to the lake in record time and are now Dragon Ball Z fighting with Cora and Hook.

Mulan ends up retrieving Sleeping Beauty’s heart and forthwith runs off with it.  Emma and Hook swordfight, and she holds her own, mostly because he just wants to sexual innuendo her.

Back in ME:  Henry and Red show up to stop Regina and Gold from doing whatever nefarious stuff to the well to get the portal to close.  Henry reminds Regina, “Good always defeats evil.”

Magic Emma

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  Cora tries to take Snow’s heart, but Emma steps in front of her, and Cora can’t take her heart.  Emma inadvertently does magic and doesn’t understand.

Snow White and Emma jump in the lake.

Back in ME:  Regina says to Henry, “Want me to have faith in you?  Have faith in me!”  She walks to the well and absorbs the magic.  Evil ladies must die!

Nobody comes through the portal, and Henry’s upset, and so’s Regina, but then Emma and Snow come crawling out.  And Regina’s the third wheel, broke ass with magic.  Hugs all around.  And none for Regina.

Regina and Emma talk awkwardly about how dangerous Cora is for a sec.  Snow runs off to wake Charming up.  And she does.  More hugs and love and everything.

And none for Regina again.

Emma wants to talk to Gold about predestination, but he says he’s not actually God.

Modern-Day Fairy Tale Land:  Mulan tries to put Sleeping Beauty’s heart back.  And she succeeds.  Are we supposed to think they’re not girlfriends because I don’t really believe they’re not.  Oh, they just mentioned their mutual boyfriend, so… sister wives?  Sleeping Beauty thinks Cora was telling the truth about soul suckers’ having some other realm and whatnot.

Elsewhere, Hook still has the bean and wants to do some gardening. Ba-dum-bum!

Back in ME:  Regina finally gets a hug from Henry, who thinks she has really changed.

They all go out to dinner, and they leave Regina.  Gold rubs salt in her wound about being the evil one.

STAHP being so pretty and sad!

On the coast, Hook’s pirate ship comes sailing in.  Does Maine not have a Coast Guard?

Notes:

  • Funny, Emma doesn’t look like a Presbyterian, but she’s certainly acting like one!
  • Regina!  These outfits!  That face!  I’m going to need you to either leave my TV and let me forget about you or NEVER EVER leave my TV and let me look at you always.
  • So…um…about this compass that has been the MacGuffin for several episodes in Fairy Tale Land… What was its purpose again?  How did it actually help anybody at all?
  • This twisted mother/daughter relationship… Gimme that!  Gimme psychological games!  Gimme gimme!
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