Hey Gurrrrrrrrl! It’s your inbox!

19 Sep

Hey gurrrrrl!

It’s your inbox!

I hate to be a downer, but I don’t see you as often as I’d like. Usually you check me quickly from your phone since your computer died and you have to use Tish’s all the time. She doesn’t mind, you know. She never uses it. She prefers looking at the internet on her phone. But you don’t. You like using a computer. Haha! You would actually prefer a desktop! You’re kind of a fuddy duddy.

OMG! I just said fuddy duddy. How does an email inbox even know a gay ass colloquialism like that! And now I’m being un-PC. Ugh! This is what happens to me when you don’t clean me out for months on end: I get all clogged and reclusive and think in offensive phrases.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about how I don’t see you as often as I’d like to see you, and what that means to me.

Why do you sign up for so much bullshit? I mean really. Do you ever read any of this stuff? Oh wait, don’t answer; I already know that you don’t. These things sit in my tummy unread and then after six months you decide to do a big sweep that ends up wiping out funny emails with pictures of cats.

Also, couldn’t you have given Twitter your other email account? The one you NEVER EVER check so I don’t have to have all that garbage stopping me up? I mean, when you get so many emails up in here, I know it just makes you want to look at me LESS. It’s a catch-22: I have a million emails–you don’t want to look at me because there is too much going on. I have no emails–you don’t look at me because you have no emails.

And don’t give me any excuses. I know gmail isn’t as user-friendly as it used to be, but if you’d spent a little more time with me, I could show you what buttons to push… so to speak. 😉

Wow. Now I’m trying to flirt with you to get you to come over. What’s next? I’ll be wearing cyber lingerie or something. I’m pathetic.

Look, I’m sorry I bothered you.

Hell, you probably won’t even read this. You’ll probably just skim it!!! Oh man, last week Grace sent you PICTURES OF MOTORCYCLES and you DIDN’T EVEN READ THAT EMAIL UNTIL SHE ASKED YOU ABOUT IT! You just made that lame excuse that pictures don’t show up very well on your phone version of me. Whatever. When you don’t have time for pictures of motorcycles, I know something’s wrong.

I wish you would talk to me about it. Just come over and talk to me. Look at me. Touch me. Reorganize me. At least purge my Spam file!

Well, I better go. I need to collate all those emails from that running group you gave your address to even though you don’t run. Like ever. Even if someone is chasing you.

Yours,
Your Inbox

PS Are you ever going to email your sorority alumnae back? I think you’d really have fun going to a baseball game with middle-aged ladies. Oh wait, baseball season is OVER! You suck.

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4 Responses to “Hey Gurrrrrrrrl! It’s your inbox!”

  1. Allison Wright 20 September 2012 at 7:49 AM #

    Your mail box really does have attitude!

  2. scribble9doo 22 September 2012 at 12:31 PM #

    I enjoyed reading this. Creative! I just checked unread on this, so that I can read it twice…

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