Who Would Win in a Fight?

24 Aug

John over at The Droid You’re Looking For recently did a post posing this very question, and it got me to thinkin’… I should do that post, too!

And, of course, because I can’t resist the juxtaposition, my matches will pit characters against themselves and actors against themselves.  Everybody’s oiled up, and the mud is drying, so let’s get to the ring!

Annie Oakley vs. Annie Oakley

First off, we’ve got a lady who’s been played up one side and down the other–the heroine of the musical Annie Get Your Gun.  The fighters I’ve chosen are Ethel Merman–the original–and Bernadette Peters–because why the heck not.

I didn’t see either of these productions first-hand, but I have heard the cast recordings, and I know how these gals act.  So who can do what better than whom?

Ethel Annie vs. Bernadette Annie

They’ve both got chops, and they’ve both got big ol’ voices, but if it came to a punch out, my money always must go to Ethel Merman.  Bernie’s got some toned arms, but Ethel was married to Ernest Borgnine for a while.  Plus, Bernie’s version omits a song out of political correctness.  You don’t win fights that way, Bernie.

Advantage:  Ethel Merman

Eleanor Shaw vs. Eleanor Shaw

I love fictional mean ladies, and as far as that goes, Eleanor Shaw of The Manchurian Candidate climbs to the top of the list and uses her son as a sleeper agent to assassinate anybody who gets in her way, whether she’s played by million-Tony-winning Angela Lansbury or million-Oscar-winning Meryl Streep.

Angela Eleanor vs. Meryl Eleanor

But who’s the evil-est mom of them all?  They both do basically the same stuff, including wanting to make out with their respective sons.  They both wear pretty great power suits.  They both frighten and amaze and charm so well.

This is kind of a toss-up.  I’m going with Angela Lansbury because she can intimidate Frank Sinatra, who, as everyone knows, was in the mob.

Advantage:  Angela Lansbury

Hamlet vs. Maverick

Speaking of incestuous lip locks, next up is the Danish prince going up against Maverick in our Mel Gibson match-up.

Hamlet vs. Maverick

Both are clever and rather introspective lads who are pretty good at hand-to-hand combat.  Can Hamlet make sure Maverick’s dead for a ducat?  I don’t think so.  I think Maverick would cheat–either with some distraction or by shooting him.

Advantage:  Maverick

Helen Wright vs. Myra Hudson

Helen Wright of Humoresque and Myra Hudson of Sudden Fear have a lot in common:  both of these very wealthy ladies love younger artists and are so glamorous it is actually physically painful to me.  I just can’t handle the tremendous glamour.  Shooting someone while wearing a fur coat?!  Wearing a gigantic watch and smoking with that look on your face?!  Quit, it Joan.

Crawford in Humoresque vs. Crawford in Sudden Fear

Anyway, they’re both very glamorous and very determined.  While Myra Hudson does accomplish her goal by the end of the movie, it’s not because of her own planning.  Helen Wright, on the other hand, decides what’s she’s going to do and does it.  However, Helen’s very near-sighted.  Eh, she’d swing blindly if she had to.  She’s the kind of lady who doesn’t take no for an answer.

Advantage:  Helen Wright

James T. Kirk vs. James T. Kirk

Since my first favorite Star Trek captain is played by only one person and I wanted to get some Star Trek up in here, I looked to my second favorite Star Trek captain–the roguish hunk, James T. Kirk.

Shatner Kirk vs. Pine Kirk

Now if this were a contest of who’s hunkier, Chris Pine would win easily.  If this were a contest of who’s funner to watch, William Shatner would win, hands down.  But this is a fighting contest.  We’ve seen William Shatner fight quite a bit, since he has three seasons of wrestling around on awful sets under his belt, as well as several movies.  Chris Pine only has the one movie, and he does pretty well for himself.  He’s also quite young and well-muscled… So… Sorry, Shatner.  Pine could take you.

Advantage:  Chris Pine

Johnny Dangerously vs. Batman

A gangster who gives back to the community contends with a masked vigilante. (Side note:  Is there anyone cuter than Michael Keaton?  Look at that face!)

Johnny Dangerously vs. Batman

Both are very smart and very accustomed to violence.  But I fear Batman might telegraph all his moves.  He certainly can’t keep his mouth shut about his secret identity or the location of his secret lair.  Johnny Dangerously, on the other hand, keeps his gangster identity secret for years.  From his OWN BROTHER.  Sneakiness points add up, you know.

Advantage:  Johnny Dangerously

Lindsay Boxer vs. Jane Rizzoli

Angie Harmon’s Lindsay Boxer from Women’s Murder Club and Jane Rizzoli from Rizzoli and Isles are like the exact same person–lady homicide detectives with a black partner and a best girl friend(s) who helps her solve cases.

Boxer vs. Rizzoli

Let’s see here… Women’s Murder Club, arguably, is more about the mystery aspect of the show (whereas Rizzoli and Isles is more about relationships), so maybe Lindsay gets a little more practice.  But we also know that Jane Rizzoli survived an attack by a serial killer that left her with scarred hands.  Also, she shot herself to shoot the bad guy behind her.

Advantage:  Jane Rizzoli

Philip Marlowe vs. Philip Marlowe

Private eyes hardly come any more hard-boiled than Philip Marlowe.  I could’ve picked any number of tough guys to duke it out, but I chose the two original dudes:  Dick Powell from Murder, My Sweet and Humphrey Bogart from The Big Sleep.

Powell Marlowe vs. Bogart Marlowe

Now, there are reputations at stake in this match.  People automatically think of Bogart when they think of private eyes, and Dick Powell had been a musical star before he went to film noir.  Bogart navigates pornographers and two femmes fatales(ish) while Dick Powell battles blackmailers and one real femme fatale.  Again, Dick Powell has the youth advantage.  And he’s probably really quick on his feet because he’s an ok dancer.

Advantage:  Dick Powell

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4 Responses to “Who Would Win in a Fight?”

  1. John 27 August 2012 at 10:21 PM #

    First of all, HUGE kudos to you for creating individual fight cards. That’s way more work than I put into it.

    Second, this whole thing made me laugh. AWESOME job. You clearly are a master of the “Who would win in a fight?” concept.

    • TheBestofAlexandra 28 August 2012 at 4:13 PM #

      Thanks a lot! From an infographic and funny-movie-post master such as yourself, that means a lot.

  2. kitchenmudge 5 October 2012 at 10:49 PM #

    Captain Obvious here…

    Wait, wait, this doesn’t make sense!

    If you’re talking fantasy battles between, say, Guderion and Napoleon, you need to make them the same age, with the same technology. Hamlet bringing a sword to a gunfight?

    Also, James Garner is the only Maverick that matters. And Bogie was only five years older than Powell, and a mean drunk.

    Thanks for the read, anyway.

    • TheBestofAlexandra 8 October 2012 at 4:42 PM #

      What was that sound? Oh, it must’ve been the wind going out of my sails… 🙂

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