Adventures in Teaching: An Email I Receive Daily

16 May

Dear Asshole Who’s Ruining My Child’s Future,

Hi, I’m a parent of a student who’s not doing well in your class.  I just now checked Parent Portal one day from when school is out to make sure my child will be able to raise his 48% to a 70% in 24 hours.  I see that he does not have a grade for a test he should have taken in February.  You are screwing me around, obviously, because I checked the attendance records, and he was there that day.  WTF are you doing?  It’s probably not his fault at all that he didn’t come in and finish a test with you, and I shouldn’t be thanking you for not putting it in as a 0.

Best wishes,
Concerned Parent

PS I’m not going to address anything you said in your last email to me because that would mean my child would have to take responsibility for being a piss-poor student.  I will continue hoping that a phantom 100-point test will raise him to not an F instead of assuring you that he will be studying for his 120-point final exam or asking if he can still redo parts of his 200-point project you said he did a shitty job on.

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