A Dear John Letter to Patty Hewes

22 Mar

Dear Patty,

I thought I should let you know before you heard it through the grapevine.

“Don’t prolong this, Al. Just tell me.”

The rumors are true:  I’ve been cheating on you with another HBIC.

Who, you ask?  I’m not sure I should say anything more.  Of course, even if you wanted to do something about it, she’s way out in the Delta Quadrant–

I guess the cat’s out of the bag.

Yes, Patty.  I’ve been cheating on you with Captain Kathryn Janeway.

(And it’s been glorious!)

Don’t take all this the wrong way, Patty.  I still have the highest esteem for your evil, conniving ways and the deepest regard for your icily glaring face and the utmost affection for your beautiful wardrobe.

But Captain Janeway–No!  Of course I don’t call her Kathryn!–is so committed to doing actual good things like getting her crew home (not just taking money away from rich people), and she’s so genuinely caring, and she doesn’t force abortions, and she only uses guile against evil aliens, and she wears ridiculous costumes in the holodeck!

What?  More details?  I don’t think that will do anything but stir up bad feelings.

Oh, all right.  I suppose I never could say no to you, so why should I try now…

We could start with how devoted she is to her job.  That’s something you two have in common, after all.

Pictured (L to R): One of my favorite Janeway haircuts; Time Ship

Here, Captain Janeway has just spent a year battling a time ship that keeps destroying entire worlds with time-altering beams.  Her precious Voyager has been through the proverbial wringer and is basically falling apart at the seams.  She has sent most of her crew out on shuttles and what not so they don’t all have to die.  She has sustained a nebula cloud and severe burns and losing her shirt somewhere.  And now she sits in her captain’s chair, on the precipice of doom.

“That is NOT how I left the front of my ship!”

She’s just realized there’s a big hole in the front of her ship, and she’s just come to grips with the fact that she’s going to have to drive Voyager straight into that time ship in order to destroy it and restore time and all those planets that were previously destroyed!!!!

Also, she delivers a ridiculous one-liner as she obliterates herself:  “Time’s up!”  Can you imagine yourself saying anything that ridiculous/hilarious/poignant, Patty?

I could talk further on Janeway’s positive qualities and cite other episodes in which she  saves people’s lives and is totally into being loving and nurturing, etc., but you and I both know we’re more interested in clothes, so let’s see some of those fabulous holodeck costumes:

In this holonovel, she’s a foggy-moors governess or something. Janeway Eyre!

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, Patty!  Janeway spends a whole two-parter in WWII escaping some alien hunter race who wants to figure out how to copy the Voyager’s holograph technology so they don’t have to keep killing species off for real (so they can have a real civilization [except the aliens are divided about whether this holograph thing is a good alternative, of course]).  PS, most of the crew is forced to be prey for these aliens, and they all have these neural implants so they think they’re actually the characters they portray in the holonovels.

So, the episode starts out with this ridiculousity for a sec:

Klingon Janeway kind of has Jagged Edge hair.

Until they decide WWII is funner, and Janeway ends up the proprietor of a French café, which is a blind for the French Resistance.

Why yes, that IS a badass lady in a white, sequined tuxedo.

That’s her eveningwear, of course.  In daytime, she’s gotta rock a shirtdress–because it’s the ’40s, and she is awesome.

Mustard-colored shirtdress, red lipstick, blue eyeshadow, pearl earrings, great hair, worried ’40s heroine expression, a .45 semi-automatic (not pictured). Word UP, Janeway.

Then she has to get to her duties as the leader of the French Resistance and throws on this number:

Maybe this isn’t that great of an outfit–I mean, it’s just a great-fitting blazer over a turtleneck and trousers and fun loafers (not pictured). Maybe it’s just the jaunty way she wears it that makes it work.

But of course, everyone looks great in WWII.  Not everyone can be THE BRIDE OF CHAOTICA!

So blah blah blah aliens vs. holographs ’30s sci-fi serials so that THIS CAN HAPPEN:

Queen of the Spider People, indeed.

“Take that!”

I don’t think there can ever be enough pictures of this.

In conclusion, Patty, I still love you; however, Captain Janeway and I have a different kind of relationship–one that is light and fluffy and less murder-y.  And that includes numerous bizarre costumes (as opposed to numerous beautiful, beautiful skirt suits).

Ever Irrationally Devoted,

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