Damages 3.9 Recap: When Patty Hewes Is So Very Patty Hewes

17 Feb

Episode 9:  “Drive It through Hardcore”

Previously on:  Ellen’s sister’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble!  Hey nah!  Hey nah! Ellen’s sister’s back!

2 months later:  Tom walks into Patty’s office and tenders his resignation.  He’s doing that Tom-clenching-his-jaw face that I’m kind of in love with.  She gives him an ambiguous look as he walks away.

Does this face say "Baldie, I might need you to kill Tom" or "Best of luck, Tom. I cherish the time we had together, and I will miss you terribly"?

2 months earlier:  Martin Short walks into the apartment where apparently he and Crazy Sister are roomies.  She’s dejectedly watching Wheel of Fortune (Is there any other way to watch Wheel of Fortune?), and he’s concerned about her being crazy, yet he needs her to be in hiding until Ellen quits sticking her nose in everybody’s business.  He suggests she see her shrink, and she says, “You know my brother doesn’t want me to do that.”  He says he’ll talk to Joe about it.

Martin Short leaves, and it’s revealed he’s got somebody watching the place (This guy has SO many PIs all the time!).  Patty’s got Baldie watching the place, as well (Patty has only one PI at a time).

At Patty’s apartment, she and Tom and Ellen are all drinking wine and talking about the Tobins’ Thanksgiving and how it was Dad’s last chance to move money around Antigua.  Their current plan hinges on getting Crazy Sister to talk.  Meanwhile Ellen’s real accent is coming out. (It’s driving through hardcore, as some might say.)

And now the lamest-ass wind-energy commercial with a bunch of green-screen waving wheat.  Actor is kind of being a diva about the stupid commercial, and Frobisher is annoyed but cool about it.

At the DA’s, Ellen’s wearing an outfit that is awful but looks ok on her because she’s skinny.  One of the nondescript DA guys who sucks at lawyering hands her an arrest report.  She’s sad about this arrest report (It must be Druggie Sister).

Is this an ugly dress with ugly pockets haphazardly worn under an ugly cardigan? Ellen! Why?

In a police interrogation room or jail or something.  Wow!  The outfit’s worse than I had previously thought.  Her sister gets brought in to talk to her, and turns out she had over an ounce of meth on her.  She says what all people with that much dope on them say (according to my dad who was a cop for a million), “I wasn’t going to sell it.  I was going to give it to a friend.”

Ellen and her sister have one thing in common: They both suck at clothes.

They chat about these dire straits, and Ellen (pretty reasonably, I’d say) advises her to plead guilty because maybe they’ll be lenient on her first-time-offending ass.  However, Druggie Sister doesn’t see it that way and says, “As always, you just look out for what’s best for you.”  Does that even make sense?  Oh man, Druggie Sister, I don’t hate you because you suck (which you do; don’t get me wrong):  I hate you because you make me sympathize with Ellen.

Martin Short comes in to check on Crazy Sister, but the apartment seems empty.  He calls for her over and over and gets worried and breaks down the bathroom door to find her in the bathtub with a knife, of course.  She raves about how little poison she put in DMM’s glass, and he hugs her out of her fit.

Ellen and Lily Tomlin having lunch at an intimate little French place!?  Oh, I should’ve looked at the reflection in the mirror—that’s TM.  They discuss what TM has told Patty Hewes—specifically about her lying about not spending Thanksgiving with her mom.  When Lily Tomlin asks her why she lied, she claims, “My mom made me promise to not talk about it. . . I just don’t want to get anybody in trouble.”  I do not trust TM as far as I could throw her.  And she’s little, so I might be able to throw her pretty far.

Crazy Sister has cleaned herself up enough for Martin Short to take her to her psychiatrist—with the provision that she won’t tell him anything about DMM (so…what good’s going to the psychiatrist, again?).  He promises to wait outside for her.  Daww!!  I know he’s really only doing this because of his loyalty to the family/retainer, but I think he’s so sweet for at least pretending to care about her.  Why isn’t Joe doing this?  It’s not like he a has a job—he could stay with her all day.

Actor and his Douchey Producer—Is it proper to call women douches?  Because she is one.  Big time.—show up to Frobisher’s to talk about the biopic.  They’re discussing how to portray Frobisher and his redemption, and Douchey Producer wants to make Patty the villain and says, “She acts like it’s all about justice, but the woman is pure Machiavellian evil.”  (Yes, Douchey Producer, but that’s what we like about her!) Frobisher takes up for Patty and wants them to meet with her to get a better idea of what she’s like so the movie will be fair and balanced.  K, Frobisher. My roommate has not fallen asleep yet, despite her best efforts, and says about Douchey Producer, “I don’t think you know what you’re messing with, lady.”  Never a truer word spoken, Tish.

Shrink and Crazy Sister have an impotent session.  She just wants a prescription.  Crazy Sister is my favorite character right now.  Her sad little face!  It’s so sad!

At Patty’s office, Tom apprises Patty of the Crazy-Sister-holed-up-with-Martin-Short-and-watched-around-the-clock-by-various-guards-including-Martin-Short-himself situation and the Crazy-Sister-going-to-a-psychiatrist situation.  Patty knows this is an in, but Tom’s watched SVU and knows that bit about doctor-patient confidentiality.  Patty says, “There are ways around that.”  Bum bum bum!!!!!!

Baldie breaks into the shrink’s office!  And takes pictures of Crazy Sister’s files!

Bitchy face - check. Stripes - check. Checks - check. Alligator briefcase - check. No pantyhose - check. My hero - double check.

Patty comes home wearing a striped skirt suit with a checked blouse carrying an alligator bag.  She keeps calling her dog, but he won’t come.  I hope he’s not in the bathtub with a knife!  No, he’s lying at Michael’s feet!   Michael’s eating cereal or something and wants to tell Patty about his upcoming baby and wants to ask her a lot of genetic questions so that the doctor will have his family history and what-have-you.  Not so fast!  Patty says awesomely, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but are you sure you’re the father?”

Ooh girl.  It’s on now.

He keeps prying about miscarriages, other pregnancies, Uncle Pete’s death, etc., all the while looking so very sincere.  She finally gets rid of him, and then throws the bowl he was eating out of at the wall.  Then she stares ominously at the dent it made in the wall.

Julian Decker - "And I want to take the walls off slowly and drop them in a pool on the floor so that I can run my hands up the exposed beams and feel the supple antique brickwork with my nimble fingers." Patty - "You can leave now."

Another night (or maybe she just changed clothes?) Patty has Julian Decker over again, and he again ogles her and talks about the value of the apartment being behind the walls and they just need to come off, etc., and I keep getting the feeling it’s all a euphemism for getting in Patty’s panties, and I feel so dirty every time this dude talks.

Ellen’s mom and niece have arrived at the DA’s office where Ellen is still wearing that awful grey thing.  (I just realized what it looks like—an inmate costume from a ‘50s women-in-prison movie—thematic relevance!)  Mrs. Parsons, distraught, wails that Druggie Sister “can’t go to jail.”  Um… What, Mrs. Parsons?  Ellen and I have the same reaction to this—a lot of sneering and saying that rules exist for a reason.  However, Mrs. Parsons insistently implies that Ellen is somehow responsible for her sister.  Weirdo.  No wonder Ellen’s so attracted to Patty—she may be mean, cold-hearted, and amoral, but at least she doesn’t pretend to be any different.  Plus she’s not an idiot.

Patty lounges on her couch, listening to opera with her dog.  She looks (for the third or fourth time this episode) at the dent in her wall.  Cut to her taking a hammer to the wall.  Sounds like a typical Tuesday night.

Frobisher airs his frustrations about turning Patty into the villain to his son.  He’s worried about the movie “turn[ing] . . . into another phony piece of crap.”  No worries, Lit class son explains protagonists and antagonists to Frobisher.  He hardly listens and insists on setting a meeting up with Patty so that the Hollywood people get to know her and the picture ends up being “thoughtful and balanced and fair.”

Patty, Tom, and Baldie go over Crazy Sister’s psychiatric session notes.  She has situational depression.

Martin Short gets a call from the psychiatrist, but it’s really Baldie setting up a meeting, that trickster.  Oh, darn it!  Baldie’s wearing a wedding ring.  I thought he and Patty were kind of cute together.  Anybody’s better than Julian Decker.

Ellen goes to Gates for advice on her sister’s situation.  He’s cold, logical, prescriptive, and bureaucratic (Do I have a crush on Gates, too?) and tells her to not get involved.  In fact, he says he would get the “biggest, baddest prick of a prosecutor” to prosecute his sister, if he were in this situation, so that he could keep his job pristine.  Poor Ellen’s little sad face says she doesn’t like this suggestion.  I guess she’ll have to go to Patty!

At home, Patty looks through the hole in the wall and sees a horse.  End dream.  So, is this hole real or fake, then?  Did she really bust a hole through her wall, or was that also a dream?  I hope Patty has a top she can spin on her dresser, just in case we need to find out if all of this is a dream.

Frobisher and his Hollywood entourage arrive at Patty’s office.  She’s not pleased, but she’s putting on her cold, fake Patty smile.  They discuss a few things, and she gives very terse responses, letting Frobisher be a charmer who says things like, “I do not see myself as a hero. . . To me, you are the hero of this story . . . You forced the change.”

"Uh... Yeah. She's really human... and stuff..."

Patty can’t handle it after Douchey Producer says something about it being all about redemption and goes off on a small tirade, stating that she doesn’t remember there being any redemption for the employees he swindled, “or for Ray Fiske, the attorney who put a bullet through his head.”  Um…Patty, you realize you drove Gay Crush Lawyer to kill himself, right?

She goes on to say, so Pattyly, that Frobisher is “foolish, vain, pathetically insecure.  The Arthur Frobisher I know is a despicable bully.”  Then she ushers them out of her office, giving them her blessing to do whatever they want with her in the movie because she doesn’t even like movies anyway.  Stone.  Cold.

At the psychiatrist’s office (waiting area?), Patty’s waiting in a huge chair for Crazy Sister.  She blackmails her with the info about her DMM murder!  “Luckily I can’t prove it,” Patty says.  Crazy Sister looks hella scared, and Patty leaves.

You think they're going to curl up on this couch together, but they don't. I'm guessing because that really expensive bag Patty gave Ellen is in the way.

Cut to Ellen looking intently at something in Patty’s house.  I guess the hole in the wall is real after all.  They talk about the hole in the wall, both of them puzzledly looking at it a lot, then Ellen finally says, “I need a favor.”

Ellen and Patty share a frame to explore the burning question, "WTF happened to your wall, Patty?" Also, is that that man shirt again, Ellen?! Why don't you take advantage of being skinny and wear better clothes!!!!?!?!?? PS Both Patty's and Ellen's hair looks gorgeous in this scene. Nice work, ladies!

Crazy Sister and Martin Short discuss how they miss Dad Tobin.  Crazy Sister is shaken by Patty’s visit, but she doesn’t spill to Martin Short about it–instead she decides to manipulate him into giving her info so she can be Patty’s informa!   She asks why they went to DMM’s on Thanksgiving. Flashback.  Why were they together on Thanksgiving?  Anyway, in the flashback, Martin Short goes in to get Dad’s bag of stuff from DMM’s, and TM is the one to fork it over.  End flashback.  Crazy Sister asks who that woman in the flashback was, and he lies and says TM was the housekeeper.

Frobisher’s opening some bubbly with Actor and Douchey producer.  After Patty’s tongue lashing he has changed his tune and claims to have planned that embarrassing incident.  The scene ends with his saying, “Screw her humanity.  She’s gonna make a great villain.”  TIRED OF FROBISHER SO MUCH!

Is Patty regularly meeting with Crazy Sister now?  They’re at the psychiatrist’s again, and Patty has brought Tom with her this time instead of Baldie (Baldie was there last time as muscle.  lol).  Tom plays good cop as they interrogate.  They get around to talking about TM, and Patty lies to her about TM being the housekeeper, too.  I don’t know what Patty’s up to, but as much as I want it to be sweet and caring, I’m sure it’s diabolical.  Anyway, Tom and Patty know now that TM had lied to them.  Bum bum bum!!!

2 months later:  Patty looks pissed about Tom’s departure; we see Tom stumbling to the payphone to say “I love you” again; and we see a body or something falling/being thrown off a bridge.  Bum bum bum!!!!!

Notes:

  • When I first saw this title, I really wanted Patty to be the one to have said it—perhaps to Baldie about a contract hit on Tom—perhaps about sticking it to the Tobins—perhaps about sticking it to Ellen via Alex Benjamin.  Unfortunately, some lame-ass producer woman says it douchily about Patty’s character in the movie-within-the-tv-show (the casting of which I’m still holding out for Patti LuPone, by the way).  I also had wanted her to say “I look like Frankenstein” Gloria Swansonly, but Frobisher took that line.  I’m hesitant to get excited about the upcoming episode titles because I really want Patty to to say, “this one’s gonna go in your throat” as a cutting Pattyism, but I heavily doubt that she will.
  • It’s been two episodes, and neither Appalachia Reporter nor Alex Benjamin have resurfaced, which leads me to believe that Ellen and Patty used them shamelessly and forthwith threw them away.  Um… Love it!  Quit lyin’ ladies, you know those two lame-os were merely rebounds!  Ooh!  What if Appalachia Reporter and Alex Benjamin figure this out and team up to kill Tom (to get back at Patty and Ellen?—theory needs work)?!
  • Patty Hewes is the Patty Hewesest we’ve seen her in a while–throwing dishes, hammering walls, dispensing Baldie to break the law, blackmailing Crazy Sister, cutting Pattyisming Michael and Frobisher, bourboning Ellen while in the same frame with her, et al. Is this all because she and Ellen have patched things up, and she consequently has all her power back?
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