First, let’s talk about how I (and all the girls I watch it with) call this show Xena Damages.
I’m always creepin’ ’round teh internetz looking for blogathons to join because, say it with me now, my blog is super lame. Well, I was looking the other day, and came across one that seemed kind of promising, but then I couldn’t think of anything to write about because I was only half interested in the subject; however, it did lead me to a link to a different blogathon that held a tad more interest for me. I started researching a little and realized I COULD POTENTIALLY WRITE ABOUT CLASSIC MOVIES AND/OR CAPTAIN JANEWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, without further ado, below looms my entry for Angela and her HollywoodRevue’s Paramount Centennial Blogathon.
Here’s my train of thought (disclaimer: history filtered through my brain):
Movie studios faced some tough times during the Depression. They had all this sound they didn’t exactly know what to do with yet. They had all these actors who were kinda broad and weird from silent movies. They didn’t have a strict production code to keep them from a million extraneous scenes of Marlene Dietrich swimming naked in ponds or Barbara Stanwyck taking off her stockings. And they were having trouble getting an audience because everybody was super poor.
So, in the early ’30s, Paramount looked to Broadway, found a gal with a hit show, and gave her a movie deal. That movie? She Done Him Wrong. That gal? Mae West.
Subsequently, Paramount’s financial troubles lessened.
Fast forward 60 years.
For a more thorough examination of this topic, please consult this fabulous video.
Oh, Captain Janeway. Girl got some hair. Sonnets could be written. But I’m not going that direction. Ima do a list of my favorites.
Honorable Mention: Evil Pompadour
Most Prominent Appearance: ”Living Witness”
What It Says: ”Force must be applied without apology. It’s the Starfleet way.”
Why I Love It: It makes no sense to me that those future people would imagine her with that short, dark, kinda butch hair. Wouldn’t all records indicate that Janeway usually (as of Season 4) kept her hair frivolously long and luxurious? Whatever, though. Still pretty great.
John over at The Droid You’re Looking For recently did a post posing this very question, and it got me to thinkin’… I should do that post, too!
And, of course, because I can’t resist the juxtaposition, my matches will pit characters against themselves and actors against themselves. Everybody’s oiled up, and the mud is drying, so let’s get to the ring!
Annie Oakley vs. Annie Oakley
First off, we’ve got a lady who’s been played up one side and down the other–the heroine of the musical Annie Get Your Gun. The fighters I’ve chosen are Ethel Merman–the original–and Bernadette Peters–because why the heck not.
I didn’t see either of these productions first-hand, but I have heard the cast recordings, and I know how these gals act. So who can do what better than whom?
They’ve both got chops, and they’ve both got big ol’ voices, but if it came to a punch out, my money always must go to Ethel Merman. Bernie’s got some toned arms, but Ethel was married to Ernest Borgnine for a while. Plus, Bernie’s version omits a song out of political correctness. You don’t win fights that way, Bernie.
Advantage: Ethel Merman
Some mild spoilers for Voyager (kind of), SVU (a little), and Damages (a tiny one).
I’m always looking for something new on Netflix. And I always want to start a new show that I’ve heard is amazing, but then I don’t. I end up going back to something formulaic and episodic.
The thing is, sometimes I’m just not ready to commit to something for eternity even though the idea of it consistently makes me put things of this nature in my instant queue–things with rich mythology and evolving characters and moral dilemmas and twisty political plots.
For example, currently I’m stuck mid-season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. I love the characters, and I’m intrigued by the story, and I want to know everything about the mythology, but I’m finding myself impatient. Which is totally weird for me. I love surprises! I can wait for almost anything.
But I love the ideas in the show so much that I went online to research other people’s analysis, and I ended up half-accidentally uncovering a lot of spoilers.
We’ve all got our “what if blah blah existed, wouldn’t it be the best thing ever?” lists. I present one of mine (what sequels/spin-offs I wish would’ve or still would happen), complete with infographics.
#5: Ruthless People The Musical
The Original: In Ruthless People, a sweet but slightly bitter couple hard-up for cash (Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater) kidnap the wife (Bette Midler) of the man (Danny DeVito) who made them poor. But the guy hates his wife and drags his feet giving them the ransom until he’s accused of her murder. Misunderstandings, mistaken identities, and hilarity ensue, all ending in a big-ole seaside showdown.
The Proposed Sequel/Spin-Off: Same plot, plus songs by Bette Midler and Mick Jagger. I’m debating whether it should be updated for the modern age. I’m leaning toward yes because the movie is the ‘80s-est thing to exist, so the musical should be the 2010s-est thing to exist—heavy use of iPhone, skinny jeans, and pop-culture references, I’m thinking.
Highlights include the hit songs “The Kidnapped and Gettin’ Buff Blues” and “If We Look Like His Parents.”
Why It Would Be Spectacular: I can’t think of a reason it wouldn’t be spectacular. Big budget production numbers. A gigantic cast. Clever songs. Sparkling dialogue.
In real life, bitches can grow tiresome, but on TV we can indulge in all our bitch fantasies by living vicariously through terrible people. Below is a listing of my top 5 characters in film and television that I would not get along with in real life because of their profound awfulness but whose profound awfulness is profoundly watchable.
Tie for #4 & #5: The Sugarbaker Girls (Designing Women)
Re: Detestability: Julia’s a know-it-all progressive attack dog, and Suzanne is a self-absorbed racist.
Re: Lovability: For all Julia’s know-it-all shenanigans, once in a while, she goes on a tirade that’s spot on, and even when it’s not, it’s so eloquent and passionately delivered. Also, she has a lovely soprano singing voice. And fabulous clothes. Suzanne, on the other hand, is the most hilarious woman of the ‘80s. Remember that time she sang “The Name Game” as a good luck chant when she was gambling in Atlantic City? Remember that time she had a pet pig? Remember that time she shot Anthony?
I thought I should let you know before you heard it through the grapevine.
The rumors are true: I’ve been cheating on you with another HBIC.
Who, you ask? I’m not sure I should say anything more. Of course, even if you wanted to do something about it, she’s way out in the Delta Quadrant–
Episode 11: All That Crap about Your Family, cont.
To cut all the Patty-and-Ellen’s-torturous-breakup tension in this episode, someone decided it would be a good idea to have some retarded Frobisher time. They’re having a read-through of Frobisher’s movie with some baby playing Patty Hewes.
If this gal can play Patty Hewes, sign me up for the audition list. Frobisher thinks something’s off, though, but can’t put his finger on what. He does comment that they need a real actress to truly portray Patty’s evilness. Patti LuPone! Patti LuPone!
Joe’s so worried about TM being in custody that he goes to see Zedeck. Flashback to Thanksgiving. Zedeck gives some exposition about why Dad Tobin used TM as the courier—he could trust her, and he was desperate because of the impending investigation. But Joe wants to know how much TM knew. He doesn’t trust that TM will stay loyal. I’m worried for her.