Tag Archives: fabulous clothes

Why Fans of Classic Movies Should Like Star Trek: Voyager

11 May

I’m a firm believer that Star Trek: Voyager has something for everyone; however, everyone is not the same, of course.  For example, if I were trying to  indoctrinate cajole my Grey’s Anatomy-loving coworkers into watching my favorite show, I would entice them with a completely different set of pros.

As it stands, the following list is inspired by my blog friend Ruth, who is a delightful classic-movie blogger.  Several posts ago, I talked about Voyager’s still enjoyable bad episodes, and she commented that she’d never watched the show before.

That’s an Internet gauntlet, folks.

I’ve compiled this list to attract a certain kind of person, and I have faith in my tactics.  And, as Captain Janeway would say, I feel lucky today!

Series Overview

Let’s get a quick rundown of what’s going on in this series before I start the list rolling.  I’ll pretend anyone reading this has never watched Star Trek, so I’ll try not to be too technobabble-y.

The Premise:  It’s the 24th century, and Earth and several other planets have long ago joined together to form The United Federation of Planets.  Starfleet–a space navy, basically–serves and protects this governmental agency.

There’s some disputed regions on the fringes of the Alpha Quadrant (because they’ve divided the galaxy into quadrants and named them with Greek letters, of course), and a rebel group called the Maquis has sprung up to defend what they feel is their own land.  Officially, The Federation sees the Maquis as terrorists, but they’re all wronged idealists, mostly (and the dudes they’re fighting [the Cardassians], who are officially in The Federation, are sneaky jerks, tbh).

Captain Kathryn Janeway and her new starship Voyager have been sent out to the Badlands to go after a particularly trouble-causing Maquis ship, on which one of Janeway’s oldest friends is serving as a spy!  Quelle drama!

Before she goes, she springs a dude from jail who had been in Starfleet and then also in the Maquis to act as her guide! Quelle more drama!

Well, both the Maquis ship and Voyager get gotten by an alien who pulls them 75,000 lightyears away from Earth–all the way to the Delta Quadrant.  This dying alien is trying to figure out if anybody has similar DNA so that he will have an heir to look after this planet he’s looking after.  Spoiler alert:  Nobody does.

Meanwhile, these other aliens are trying to get at the thing that transported everybody from the Alpha Quadrant so they can use it to gain power and take over stuff.

Janeway can’t let them gain power and take over stuff because they’re meanies, so she destroys the thing, stranding her ship and the Maquis ship in the Delta Quadrant.  Quelle drama-est!

This is the first time Janeway meets Chakotay (the Maquis captain). I hope they both brushed their teeth this morning because dang.

Janeway and the Maquis captain decide to join forces to get back home, so they all take up residence on Voyager and are forced to work together.

Meanwhile, they’ve picked up a few people from the Delta Quadrant to be on their crew:  a dude who’s a trader and is supposed to be good at navigating this–to Alpha Quadrant types–uncharted space and a lady (from the planet the alien who whisked them away was guarding) who has a really weird short lifespan.

Also, meanwhile, the ship’s doctor dies in the first twenty minutes or so and is permanently replaced by the Emergency Medical Hologram.  His journey into sentience becomes a plot point in many episodes.

Also along the way they run into the Borg, a species that is not so much a species but an amalgamation of species who act as one unit, like a hive, and they basically steal other species’ bodies to use in their ultimate goal of perfection through putting together the best parts of every species and then enhancing themselves with robotics.  The Borg are weird and scary and robotic and hard to describe, and when you’re part of the Borg, you have no personality of your own and do only the will of the Collective.  Anyway, Janeway rescues a lady from the Borg, and her journey into humanity becomes a plot point in many episodes.

So, if all the sci-fi hasn’t already turned you off, let’s have a go at the list.

Honorable Mention:  Clean (with a Little Innuendo)

One thing I really love about old movies is that they’re not explicit.  If a couple is intimate, they cut to a fireplace.  If somebody’s mad, he gives a glare and bunches his hands into angry fists instead of cursing a blue streak.

And because of the cleanness, they get to have a little more fun (and be a little more creative) when they wanna be a little bit dirty.  So they say things like, “You know how to whistle, don’t ya?” instead of something yuckier.

Because Voyager aired on regular old TV instead of HBO and because we have a lady captain who is so stagy and sassy, we get cleanness, and a little bit of sassy dirtiness once in a while.

Continue reading 

Why You Might Find This Picture in Your Text Message Inbox

12 Apr

We take a break from our regularly scheduled Poem a Day to bring you this special message from Mrs. Columbo:

creepy puppet

Behold this screencap from an episode of Mrs. Columbo called, “A Riddle for Puppets.”  Mrs. Columbo, for those not in the know, is a short-lived Columbo spin-off (kinda) that chronicles the adventures of Columbo’s never-seen wife (kinda), who is a housewife/part-time reporter for a tiny local newspaper that is mostly coupons.  Except Kate Mulgrew is about 15 in the series (while Columbo is about 60 always), and I guess later the producers decided she didn’t have a husband at all and the whole thing is just weird about that aspect of it.

Mostly, it’s just a show that follows the same format as Columbo except with a plucky lady in the lead investigator role.

Oh, and also, the show is completely absurd.

And Kate Mulgrew is the stagiest actress ever.  Which makes the show watchable.

So in this episode, a ventriloquist murders another ventriloquist.  And this puppet that Kate Mulgrew is holding had “witnessed” the murder (the murderer ventriloquist is crazy and thinks the dummies are sentient), so the murderer ventriloquist tries to get rid of this dummy by giving it to Mrs. Columbo (to take home to her daughter.)

I’m already loling as I write this.

I grabbed this screencap as I watched because. Well. Lol.

It has amused me ever since.

I have been texting it to people ever since.

And that has also amused me.

Oh how I love it; let me count the ways:

  • For the purpose of clarity so far in this post, I have called this lady alternately Mrs. Columbo or Kate Mulgrew, her name on the show and the actress’s name, respectively.  But at home, in texts, and on twitter, I almost always call her Baby Captain Janeway.  Because Captain Janeway.  Circa 1979.  This cracks me up for some reason.  Tish was watching the show with me the other day, and she said (about the sometime boringness/straight up weirdness of the show):

“I’m glad she went back to school to become a starship captain.”  

  • This ’70s outfit.  Double-popped collar!  Holla!
  • That facial expression.  You can tell she’s thinking, “WTF am I supposed to do with this thing?”
  • That dummy.  And his hair.  And his everything.
  • That dummy’s name is Clown.  He is a clown.  And his name is Clown.  They did not give him a name like “Bobo” or “Laughy-Smiles” or “Stan.”  His name is Clown.  And everyone says it with a straight face.  I can’t even write it with a straight face.  Clown.  LOL!

And so, because of the listed reasons, you may unexpectedly get Clown Bombed (as I’ve termed it).  Don’t worry; you’re in good company:

A coworker’s watching documentaries while recovering from knee surgery. So, of course, Clown Bomb.

A middle-aged-lady friend had invited me over the night before, but I couldn’t make it. So, of course, Clown Bomb.

I always text Tish about where we’ll go eat after church. So, of course, Clown Bomb.

I’m sure no one loves this quite as much as I do.

Ask me if I care.

creepy puppet

Cuz Clown sure don’t care.

Damages Season 3 Recap (All Spoilers, All the Time)

16 Mar

Oh hey, Season 3.  Haven’t thought about you in a while.  And I want to start season 4 now, so…

Best outfit all season

The format of my synopses has changed. The fabulosity of Patty’s clothes has absolutely not changed.

Flashforward Mystery #1:  Patty is driving.  Some other car runs into her!  Whodunnit?

Flashforward Mystery #2:  Mysterious Hobo hangs around a dumpster.  Tom’s murdered body is found in the same dumpster!  Whodunnit?

Main Plot Line:  Patty is the court-appointed trustee of the Tobin estate.  The Tobins are big business people involved in some kind of Ponzi scheme thing, as per usual.  She must figure out how and where and when all their money went wherever it did.

Joe Tobin, alcoholic oldest son, becomes Patty’s go-to dude for a minute, but mostly to establish him as a down-to-earth character at first.  He wants to make sure he looks as if he did everything he could to help the investigation (which also includes the DA’s office, where Ellen works now).

Joe gives Patty a cell phone number, and Hobo is in possession of the cell phone.  Tom investigates and finds clothes in the dumpster belonging to a DMM.  He investigates more.  Everyone is red-herringed into believing DMM–a lady who looks SO MUCH like Emily Prentiss from Criminal Minds–was having an affair with Dad Tobin (the CEO of the Tobin company), and Tom decides to investigate this angle because why not.

Continue reading 

Dear Googlers 4: Additional Letters to Additional People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

18 Feb

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “china town situation”:

I’m wondering if you’re using this term the same way I am.

My daughter AND my sister,
Alexandra

***

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “why does anyone care about the difference between similes and metaphors”:

They don’t. :(

And that’s why I got fired,
Alexandra

***

Continue reading 

OUaT 2.9 Recap: When the Joker Ain’t the Only Fool Who’ll Do Anything for You

8 Feb

Episode 9: Playin’ with the Queen of Hearts

Fairytale Flashback:  Hook decimates some Queen’s guards.  He saves Belle from the queen’s prison.  Hook wants to know about the weapon to kill Gold.  He pimp slaps her and says,  ”So pretty, so useless.”  Now that’s just mean.

Regina comes in and saves Belle from imminent death.  Is this Dynasty?!  WTF is this fabulous outfit!?

…Yes. Give me more of this.

She knows all about Hook and how he wants to kill Gold.  She explains that Belle can’t help him but she can, if he does something for her.  She tells him about the curse she’s about to do, after which Hook won’t need magic to kill Gold.  She explains that she wants to take out a hit on her mom so that Cora won’t follow her into curseland.

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Dear Googlers 3: Even More Letters to Even More People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

20 Jan

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “is ‘just like that’ a simile?”:

In the strictest sense, a simile compares two unlike things using like or as for some figurative reason, so depending on the thing you’re saying, “just like that” about, it could–technically–be a simile.  However, I think it’s best if we file it under cliché–which is an expression as old as the hills (see what I did there?) that expresses a shorthand version of a common idea.  Generally when somebody says “just like that,” the person means something happened quickly, in a New York minute, in a flash, quicker than a cat can lick its butt with its tongue out and its tail up:  The person doesn’t actually compare two unlike things but simply says a stock phrase to get the point across.

Linguistically,
Alexandra

***

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “to get a necklace from a man”:

So you’re looking for tips on how to entice men to buy you things?  Well, I am baby girled quite a bit (that is, people tend to like to look out for me and do things for me and generally treat me like a baby girl, and I’m not sure how or why this happens), but men hardly ever buy me presents.  Believe me:  I wish I could be more helpful, for both our sake’s.

Regretfully,
Alexandra

Continue reading 

OUaT 2.5 Recap: When Regina Returns from a Multi-Episode Blackhole, and Boy, Are Her Arms Tired

9 Jan

Episode 5:  The Doctor

OUaT Spice Girls

The OUaT Spice Girls! Saving the Kingdom with Girl Power! Pictured L-R: Baby, Sporty, Posh, Ginger. Not Pictured: Scary (cuz she’s back in ME trying to reform)

Present-Day Fairy Tale Land:  The OUaT Spice Girls (-Scary, of course) are trekking around, and they find errbody dead at their camp site.  Hearts are ripped out, so it wasn’t ogres.  Oh no, it was Cora!  Hook is there still alive, pretending not to be Hook.  Cora Plant!

Back in ME, Charming punches Dr. Whale for sleeping with his wife.  K.  Why not just punch him because he’s a d-bag?  Meanwhile, Dr. Whale is asking a helluva lot of questions about how to get back to fairy tale land.

Elsewhere in ME, Regina goes to Jiminy Cricket for magic rehab.  She’s teary-eyed talking about her magic addiction, and I’ve missed her so.  Jiminy Cricket comments that it’s harder to stop magic than to start it.  Ain’t that the truth!

Whale waltzes into Regina’s private counseling session (doesn’t this doctor know anything about HIPAA?) wanting Regina to send him back to his land to see his dead brother.  Bum bum bum!

They get rid of Whale, and Jiminy Cricket questions Regina about how she claims she can’t send anybody back anywhere.  He doesn’t believe her, but she says she doesn’t have a lot of control over that.  She also says this pouty thing that I loled about:

I don’t care about Whale or his brother.  I brought who I wanted.

Continue reading 

My Movie Alphabet

20 Dec

Duke Mantee over at Spoilers did one of these as part of a blogathon, so I decided I wanted to do one, too.  I guess the blogathon is put on by this person.

A:  At Long Last Love

Forcing the driver to drink champagne. Good idea, errbody.

Oft-maligned tribute to ’30s musicals.  I happen to really like this movie for the silliness it is, probably spurred on by my irrational devotion to Cybill Shepherd (not to mention Madeline Kahn, Eileen Brennan, Burt Reynolds, and Cole Porter, but one need not be irrational to be devoted to those).

B: Bad Seed, the

Look at them crazy eyes! Also, I love the mom’s blouse.

I saw this for the first time in a hotel room with my mom when I was in 6th grade.  I was pretty sure it was the creepiest.  I saw it again recently and realized it’s a pretty smart, sharp movie.

C:  Cleopatra

Watch out, Warren William. That’s Cleopatra–comin’ atcha!

Claudette Colbert, you crazy and fabulous, gurl.  I love you in pre-codes and in weepy wartime numbers equally, but this movie is so decadently and art-deco-ly delicious.

Continue reading 

Dear Googlers 2: Some More Letters to Some More People I’ve Never Met (Probably)

27 Oct

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “who played commander janeway in battlestar galactica”:

I wonder if this crossover is intentional.  If not, your brain accidentally made something up that my brain only wishes it had come up with.

So say we all,
Alexandra

***

Dear Googlers Who Found My Blog Using the Search Terms “lady macbeth i started late and forgot the dog”:

You’re right!  I should write more about Lady Macbeth!

Unsex me here,
Alexandra

Continue reading 

OUaT 2.1 Recap: When Seriously Silly Soul Suckers Suck Souls Slickly

10 Oct

Episode 1: Broken

We open with a character we don’t know or care about who goes about his hipster business  in modern-day New York.  A post card from Storybrooke, ME, appears in his window with one word scrawled on the back: Broken.

You guys are going to be SO SURPRISED about who this is.

We next go to some more characters we don’t know or care about in Fairy Tale Land: A prince or something cuts through some brier to get to a sleeping beauty, whom he wakes with a kiss–although the ensuing magical wave does not compare to the one that rolled off Snow White when Charming revived her.  Following on his heels is an Asian warrior with a face covering so that we don’t know it’s Mulan yet, but we all have seen the Internet, so we all know it’s Mulan.

Back in ME, a drawn-out reunion scene occurs among the townspeople as they all realize how they’re related and love each other, etc.  This goes on for what seems like a long time, with Prince Charming and Snow White embracing a lot and embracing Emma and embracing Henry.  Then they get to the inevitable discussion:  What to do with The Evil Queen.  A bunch of townspeople want to kill her (can’t blame them).  They debate this for a while; then Henry doesn’t want that to happen because “she’s still my mom.”  What he means by this, of course, is that she’s still the best character in the show, and nobody would watch it if they killed her off.  Charming gives the best reason to stop the townspeople from storming her door (other than her being the best character): She might use magic to kill everybody.

Continue reading 

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