Episode 5: The Doctor
Present-Day Fairy Tale Land: The OUaT Spice Girls (-Scary, of course) are trekking around, and they find errbody dead at their camp site. Hearts are ripped out, so it wasn’t ogres. Oh no, it was Cora! Hook is there still alive, pretending not to be Hook. Cora Plant!
Back in ME, Charming punches Dr. Whale for sleeping with his wife. K. Why not just punch him because he’s a d-bag? Meanwhile, Dr. Whale is asking a helluva lot of questions about how to get back to fairy tale land.
Elsewhere in ME, Regina goes to Jiminy Cricket for magic rehab. She’s teary-eyed talking about her magic addiction, and I’ve missed her so. Jiminy Cricket comments that it’s harder to stop magic than to start it. Ain’t that the truth!
Whale waltzes into Regina’s private counseling session (doesn’t this doctor know anything about HIPAA?) wanting Regina to send him back to his land to see his dead brother. Bum bum bum!
They get rid of Whale, and Jiminy Cricket questions Regina about how she claims she can’t send anybody back anywhere. He doesn’t believe her, but she says she doesn’t have a lot of control over that. She also says this pouty thing that I loled about:
I don’t care about Whale or his brother. I brought who I wanted.
Don’t you mean whom? And also, I find it hilarious/heartbreaking that she hand-picked enough people she hated to populate an entire town.
Fairy Tale Flashback: Sweet baby non-evil queen is practicing magic on a unicorn with Gold, who wants her to take its heart. She can’t do it Probably because her outfit is so fabulous, and I’ve missed her so.
Gold ends up taking out the heart and explaining that merely taking the heart does not hurt the thing; it just means that the thing is now controlled by the heart taker. She seems to kinda get it, but then he wants her to crush the heart, and chica ain’t killin’ no unicorns.
He asks what’s holding her back, and she reveals that David from Damages (Daniel the Stable Boy)’s body is preserved in the family mausoleum. Whoa! Kinda creepy, Regina. Kinda creepy.
Back in ME: Regina is driving in the rain and sees a vision of Daniel.
Charming and Henry go to the stables instead of school so they can bond about knight stuff through horse stuff. Charming has a regimen set up for Henry to muck stalls, etc. before the horse will tell him when it’s time to ride.
Regina goes to see the family mausoleum in present-day Maine in another fabulous outfit. Daniel’s body is gone!!! Bum bum BUM! And her heart depository is one short! BUM BUM BUM!
Fairy Tale Flashback: Gold is casually spinning and questioning Regina about why she even wants to do magic (now that her mom is gone and she’s the queen?). She admits she wants to bring back the dead. Gold scoffs, saying dead is dead.
The Mad Hatter shows up with a crystal ball. He and Gold are working together to try to find a way to non-magic world.
Gold is still talking to Regina and says, “So long as you live in the past, you’ll never find your future.” Pot, meet kettle.
The Mad Hatter tries to strike up a deal with Regina to bring a wizard to fairy tale land who brings back the dead. He wants a royal passport for his efforts. She acts as though she doesn’t know how she’ll give him this. She had forgotten she was the queen?
Present-day Fairy tale Land: Emma’s suspicious of Hook because Cora wouldn’t leave a survivor. Finally not being an idiot! Yay! She wants to question him because she’s “pretty good at knowing when someone is lying.” That old trick again? She questions him, and she pulls a knife on him when he says he can guide them.
Meanwhile, back in
a horror movie ME. Regina’s in the creepy basement of the hospital, looking for Dr. Whale.
Fairy Tale Flashback: The Mad Hatter and Regina are in the woods retrieving the wizard from another world, and The Mad Hatter is explaining how this dude is unfamiliar with magic.
In the family mausoleum, Mad Hatter and Dr. Whale/Frankenstein and Regina discuss bringing David from Damages back. Dr. Whale says, “His condition is ideal” But here’s the thing: He hasn’t ever done this for real. He needs a heart that’s strong, etc., which is why he hasn’t been able to do it in his non-magic land. He wants to know how to enchant hearts. Regina will not use magic for evil, so she won’t just go kill somebody to bring her love back, but she knows where to get an already removed one!
a horror movie ME. Regina finds Dr. Whale in a gruesome pile of body parts. She accuses him of taking Daniel’s body and one of the hearts. And he says that Daniel’s now a monster. Whoopsie daisies.
Fairy Tale Land Flashback: Regina, Jefferson, and Whale stand in front of a giant fireplace, and Regina instructs them to listen to it because the vault is behind it. We all hear a heartbeat. Tish says, “Is this like the heart is beating in the floor?”
They go into the vault, where there are so many hearts! Regina is solemn as she comments that she doesn’t even know where they all came from because her mother was a monster. Why is she talking about Cora as if she’s dead? I haven’t seen this in so long I’ve forgotten. Whale stands looking at a heart.
Back in ME: At the hospital, Charming questions Regina about Dr. Whale’s attack. He’s suspicious of her and also flabbergasted when she reveals that she has hearts in this land with her. She admits that she’s taken so many it’s impossible to keep track. She stops short of calling herself a monster.
They figure Daniel is following his final thoughts to where he saw Regina last. Which would be the STABLES!!!!
Henry’s at the stables and hears a noise. Then he’s being attacked by Zombie Daniel.
Present-Day Fairy Tale Land: The OUaT Spice Girls are tying Hook to a tree to leave him for ogres. He tells all his Cora-trying-to-find-a-portal exposition because he is impressed that he was bested (by Emma). He says they all want the same thing and that they should work together. And also there’s a new MacGuffin: They need to find an enchanted compass that will blah blah blah. He can take them to it.
Back in ME: Regina saves Henry from being killed by Daniel. Charming and Regina lock Daniel in a stall for a sec so they can discuss what to do with him. Charming says, ”If you won’t put him down, I will.” A heart-wrenching Sweet Tragic Regina face ensues. And these two need to stop having scenes together. They’re both so good looking that I don’t know whom I should stare at more.
Fairy Tale Land Flashback: Frankenstein has a tent set up in which to do his work. Why in a tent? They have plenty of castles in this land… Regina asks what he’s doing in there and wants to know if it’s magic. No, it’s science! Ha! Also, good thing there was a lightning storm that night because the lightning plays an integral part in any Frankenstein story, I guess. After about 45 seconds of lightning and science, Frankenstein/Whale comes out of the tent and says he failed. I guess he gave it the old college try.
Back in ME: Regina’s in the stall with Zombie Daniel, who snaps out of zombie-ness when she says she loves him. He’s writhing in pain and begging her to stop his pain by letting him go. She’s so sad and says she loves him, and he encourages her to love again. He turns zombie again, and she vaporizes him, sobbing. Ouch, my feelz.
Present-Day Fairy Tale Land: Hook is taking them to the compass, which is supposedly at the top of this beanstalk.
Back in ME: Regina’s crying again in her car, and I can’t with her face.
Fairy Tale Land Flashback: Gold’s practicing with a new apprentice when Regina shows up dressed in black leather now that Daniel’s dead. Gold rubs the new apprentice in Regina’s face, so she rips out new apprentice’s heart and crushes it. 0-Evil in no time flat!
Back in ME: Regina comes to Jiminy Cricket, all sad. She confesses her magic relapse.
Fairy Tale Land Flashback: Whale and Mad Hatter in the woods. It’s revealed that Whale did a hack job on purpose to get the heart. And Gold was orchestrating the whole thing so that Regina would turn evil. They have a magic vs. science argument for a little bit, and Jefferson and Whale go through the hat.
Back in ME: Whale walks in Gold’s pawn with a cooler. He wants Gold to reattach his severed arm, and Gold wants Whale to say magic’s your uncle. Whale admits that his plans didn’t work out.
Back in Frankenstein’s Castle: It’s even in black and white! And Frankenstein does some science with the enchanted heart and the body on his slab. The fingers start moving.
- We’ve got a werewolf and Frankenstein. What’s next? Regina makes out with the Creature from the Black Lagoon?
- If all these different realms (Wonderland, Fairy Tale Land, Gothic Horror Land) coexist, can we have some Xena for real?
- Pretty sure I would watch this show if it were no more than a PowerPoint of pictures of The Evil Queen’s face and clothes.
- This episode was more Damages than Xena. It all kind of felt like an Ellen nightmare what with zombie David from Damages running around all over the place.