Cracked.com ran a photoshop contest a while back with this same premise.
This is something I’ve thought about before, and continue to think about, especially when I watch movies that could have been infinitely more satisfying if they had shown the tiniest ounce of restraint/morals.
So I’ve compiled this short list. Some even have posters!
Showgirls of 1933–a lavish, big-budget musical about the perils of rising to the top of the showgirl world! Stars! Songs! Sin!
Starring:
- Ruby Keeler as naive up-and-comer Nomi Malone who wishes only to be a great dancer!
- Warren William as amoral producer Zach Carey whose aim is to corrupt and canoodle!
- Joan Blondell as street-smart romantic Molly, Nomi’s only friend, whose toughness hides her caring heart!
- Marlene Dietrich as decadent star Cristal Connors, whose ambition and exoticism push her to the top, only to be toppled by Miss Malone!
- Directed by Busby Berkeley
Never Let Me Go–the tragic tale of young love and perverse scientific experimentation!
Starring:
- Jennifer Jones as Kathy, a sympathetic girl who learns her life is not her own!
- Robert Walker as Tommy, the confused boy she loves!
- Angela Lansbury as Ruth, Kathy’s best friend and love rival!
- Ingrid Bergman as Sister Mary Elizabeth, compassionate nun and headmistress of the “boarding school” where these unfortunate children reside!
- Directed by Frank Capra
Black Swan–an unnerving psychological portrait of a woman come un-done by repression… and ballet!
- Olivia de Havilland as Nina Sayers, a nervous ballerina under the pressure of performance!
- Kay Francis as her demanding mother!
- Rita Hayworth as Lily, the free-and-easy new dancer in the ballet troupe who threatens to steal Nina’s first lead role!
- Vincent Price as Thomas Leroy, the ballet troupe’s dangerous director!
- Gowns by Edith Head
- Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Disclaimer: I know how ridiculous most of these casting choices seem: The rigid studio system never would’ve allowed for most of these ensembles. Oh well. And yes, Kay Francis is a little young to be playing Olivia de Havilland’s mom, but I figure Hollywood thinks women age hella fast anyway, and I love Kay Francis and wanted her in that movie! So there!
PS Yes, Showgirls is basically a sleazier 42nd Street, but 42nd Street doesn’t co-star Marlene Dietrich. Yowza!
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